The Life of a Coffeesupestah

okay. i had a very boring Saturday. all night i was just at home, sulking. none of my friends were free. the mahjongeras had work, the trio were busy (especially Madam Shugaytay LOL), the absolut folks were not drinking. so i just stayed in my room, listening to what might have been the one millionth time my playlist was on repeat. i dozed off without even realizing it.

when i woke up, i was iMessaging my friend Derrick. i met Derrick in Path. he's been one of my closer friends lately. how would i describe Derrick? crazy. he talks a lot and comes up with bizarre ideas that actually makes sense if i come to think of it. he's very jolly, and maybe that's why we clicked. he's a good singer, he's a foodie and very crazy. wait, haven't i said that yet? anyway, that Sunday morning, we were talking about food so much that we decided to meet after he went to church.

we met at CBTL in front of ADMU. we talked briefly about what he heard from church. i think i also agreed to come with him next next Sunday to check out the church service. it sounded interesting, yes, so i'm trying it out. after the short talk, we finally went to Boulevard Diner.

Boulevard Diner occupies a very small space along Xavierville Ave. it is a very small diner. we were the first customers that day. i first went there with Madam Shugaytay and Bratty Krissy, and i forgot what we ate. Derrick got a Larry Lanai and cheese tots. i got Volcanic Victor and some wings. the cheese tots were divine. they're small, fried to a crispy crunch with oozing cheese from the inside when you bite into it. the Volcanic Victor had three onion rings on top drizzled with hickory sauce that tasted like any regular bbq sauce. the burgers are so big that i don't eat them by hand, i use a fork and a knife. kinda reminded me of Bite Club. the wings, oh, the wings! one thing i don't like about it is that the skin is not crispy. but it was hot! what i got was with sauce called Love. it was in the middle of their hotness rating, but knowing me, i was sweating like crazy. it was another pleasant dining experience at Boulevard Diner. i guess having a chatty Ate serving the food was an added plus. and oh, i told Derrick a secret. 'nuff said.

after that, Derrick and i went to national bookstore to look for stuff that he needed when his travel plans push through. i wanted to buy new books, but i remembered that i had three books that i haven't finished reading yet. so i bought pens instead. we were supposed to go home after that, but Derrick had a problem: the guy he's dating, Gil, was waiting for him at his home. hmmm. in any other circumstance, i will be major kilig by the thought, but Derrick was not. but that's his story to tell, not mine. so we ended up going to SM North.

we checked out the movies that were being shown, alas, nothing from Cinemalaya. our choices were: The Healing, Dark Knight Rises and Magic Mike. i went for Batman. before the movie, we stayed at Gong Cha. hmmm. i tried their wintermelon tea and it tasted different from the ones i tried at infinitea, serenitea and moonleaf. maybe it's that milk thing on top? my annoyance over my drink was trumped by the number of people in costume i saw in the same area. i'd rather not talk about that.

we got back to the cinemas in the Block around 20 minutes before the movie started. when we got in, i was sincerely praying that we didn't sit beside talkative moviegoers. my prayers were answered. so Dark Knight Rises is a very okay movie. i'm starting to realize that i am becoming an Anne Hathaway fan, so i'll start looking for her other movies. this movie also looked like an Inception reunion. Tom Hardy, that French girl, that guy from 10 Things, Christopher Nolan. i didn't sleep this time. Derrick did. i walked away from the cinema having a new appreciation for Batman. less fanfare, better story.

we then headed to 4 Fingers. this is said to be better than Bon Chon, and they were right. Derrick and i ordered the two-drumstick meal in soy garlic. instead of a plate, they served the food on a metallic bento box that looked like a lunch box from the 90's. so cool! the main diff with Bon Chon and 4 Fingers is that the soy flavor is not just on the skin. you can eat just the meat and still think it's delish! i'm definitely going back!

this isn't the first time that Derrick and i met, but this is the best hang out story so far. looking forward to more cray-cray adventures!

i'm just sharing the songs that are on repeat in my phone. each song is definitely for someone, or about a moment that happened recently. enjoy.

Dance Again - J.Lo (i'm not a good dancer, but i love dancing. yes, i wanna dance again. but not solo. so love is definitely next.)

Is it You? - Cassie (i'm looking for a lover, not a friend. huh. but i always end up finding friends.)

If you Asked me to - Angeline Quinto (two things: i watched Unofficially Yours and really liked it; and i heard a band sing this in ChicBoy last week. not a fan of Angeline, but the song. and what it means to me. oh well, though in my recent post i wrote about letting go, this could be my song if i regressed.)

Friends - Mike Francis (a cover by my friend Derrick. he sang it really well so i downloaded it. this song is for someone i really like. but that person's in the friend zone. so, no.)

A Thousand Years - Christina Perri (my emo song. this is perfect when i write. i will only feel its true meaning when i find that special someone.)

Give your Heart a Break - Demi Lovato (a song for someone i like who's taken. i really wanted to give your heart a break.)

Invisible Man - 98 Degrees (let's not go there.)

Oo/Tadhana - Up Dharma Down (c'mon. who doesn't like these songs? who would not feel sad and emotional and broken after hearing these songs? i did.)

Stick Around - Azure (this song is really special. i haven't heard this for a long time until someone told me to listen to it. i love this song. perfect for my sitch. and yeah, imma stick around.)

A Little Bit - MYMP (i remember Mr. Big singing this one time at a videoke.)

Tattooed on my Mind - D'Sound (a friend requested for this when we were in ChicBoy and i remembered why i loved this song years ago. your face is tattooed on my mind, yeah. that's for sure.)

Do i Need a Reason - D'Sound (this is for someone. let's leave it at that.)

Breathe your Name - Sixpence None the Richer (this song was playing in my walkman when Paulo Vinluan passed by my way while i was waiting for my best friend to finish her STS exam. i'm kinda feeling the same way when i met someone who will not be named.)

what's the playlist's title? "Para Kanino?"

Almost a year ago i posted about Mr. Big leaving for the US, where his fiance is. (Check this post) It was bittersweet. Even after a few months, i was still sad. I didn't just blog about him once, but for a few times.

I have told the mahjongeras about Mr. Big in one of our ganaps. Just this summer, instead of getting really drunk, I ended up very emotional in our overnight stay in a condo unit that we rented. It must have been the booze, or that my friends brought their dates, that made me a tad bit emo. It took me weeks after that to finally post in Path that i was over him. Despite being dateless for the past few months, I managed to bury my feelings six feet under.

I guess that wasn't deep enough.

Next week, Mr. Big is visiting Pinas. This is the true test of how high my emotional intelligence is. It's not helping that i'm listening to songs that hit me right smack in the heart.

Oh, my heart. It has never been in the right place. After I gave it to someone two years ago, and took it back, it has never wanted to be shared again. If I see Mr. Big and I don't feel enamored anymore, that's great. And that's what I am hoping for. This should have been over and done with years ago. So I am putting it into writing.

"Mr. Big's heart is not with you. It is entwined with someone else. If he wanted you, he could've run after you. Disregard the compact you made about getting together when you both don't have anyone at a certain age. That complicates things and makes you hope more. If along the way, he comes back and opportunity strikes, go for gold. Be smart. Be kind to yourself. Be open to others. Your happiness might just be waiting somewhere. This is not Mr. Big's fault, but yours. Just be content that he is still in your life, as a very good friend. That is not settling. That is accepting what life has to offer you. So let it go."

You, drowning in this ocean of ale
touch me with little inhibition
You, your stare, your glance
leave me powerless, motionless

Me, indulging in a sonic fairy tale
of melodies owned by others
Me, swimming in clouds of smoke
in a moment of lucid madness

You, drowning in this ocean of ale
will soon forget these intimations
Me, indulging in a sonic fairy tale
dreaming whilst awake, prideless

prideless
072212

Today i cried in the shower, when your comment made me remember,
the words i wished you'd utter,
in my face when you were closer.
Damn you for breaking my heart.
Damn me for playing the part,
of a guy who can't let go,
although your answer, i already know.
Relapse
060112

I was asleep in the twenty one moons that passed;
didn't expect i'd float across your path;
like the undead i wandered around,
indifferent to words, images or sound;
until you came near and i felt a flutter,
a feeling i don't recall nor remember;
all i know is despite this massive blur,
you woke me up from this deep slumber 

Dormancy
053112

I just found myself kissing your picture. It's a moment i'll always remember. But it's not something that should go further. Coz you're a friend and i should know better.

...

I will start this post by saying that I have not been a good Catholic. Lately.

When i was younger, I made lots of time for Church. I was one of those kids you would see after mass, singing "Tell the World of His Love" with a boyish grin. I would spend my Sunday mornings at a nearby church with friends and think about nothing else but enjoy singing for Him in the company of older folks. Those days would've been my purest of pure.

Who knew that years later i would end up like this.

I never go to church unless it's Christmas, or somebody died. I am not saying that i lost my faith, but i am also not glorifying the common excuse that "I have a personal relationship with God." I think i just lost enough reason to be pulled into a weekly attendance of sorts. I've been like this for the past few years now.

I say it's true that you can find Him in your moment of weakness. In the past few weeks I've been internally chaotic. There have been a lot of thoughts going through my mind: work, my surgery, single-blessedness, the future, etc. I just found myself succumbing to the stress that thinking brought upon me.

So i texted a few cherished friends...

Knowing that Madam Shugaytay and BrattyKrissy won't be available on a Sunday, i reached out to the Absolut peeps. I told them i needed a ganap to ease my mind. One of them suggested that we attend mass, and i couldn't stop myself from saying no.

We all decided to go to Greenbelt. Well, the place is too posh for soul-cleansing, but i wanted to do something else that day so keribambam. A friend told me, the church is trying to bring themselves closer to the people. I disagree. People will still flock to churches even if they're outside capitalismlandia. And yeah, the chapel was too small.

Anyway, despite my obvious dislike for the setting, i started to listen. The gospel was about leprosy. It was something that i've heard before, so i naturally wandered off somewhere in my mind, until we reached the homily.

The priest asked, "How is your soul?"

My friends and i had our own witty responses, but in a few minutes i realized how true my answer was. "It's broken."

People might argue, how can you be broken when you have a good life compared to others? That's the thing with comparison. We are always subjective and never know how the other person qualifies and/or quantifies his/her/its life. One person can be poor but likes where he is. Another person can be very rich but still envies what others have.

I'm left in the middle. (Yeah, allusion to Natalie Imbruglia's smash alb in the 90's.) I have a great job, but i wanna do something else. Or plural, other things. I am smart, but i don't have a diploma. I am young, but i feel so adult-ish. I'm pretty, but unable to find a hand to hold mine when things start crashing down.

Some would say because I'm insatiable. That's not the case. Whatever circumstances brought me here, i'm okay with those. But i'm at that point when i want to do what i want to do.

I want to go home and not worry about a report that i need to finish. I want to end my shift and go to a poetry reading where i can prolly read my work in public too. I want to know how to firedance so i won't have to go somewhere very high just to see lights. I want to play the guitar so i can sing about how i'm feeling. I want to study Spanish again, and be able to amaze myself that i am learning another language, and with it, its culture. I want to go out and have fun, instead of holing up in my crib because my body still can't keep up with sleepless afternoons. I want to spend my life with someone who understands me and makes me learn that i am not always right.

Self-imposed? Maybe. But we all have that moment of total weakness. It's funny that these things crossed my mind at a time that other people would be greatful for. Just when the adventurers agreed to live a riskier life, reality bites back and chomps on my skinny legs.

So that's my soul. Broken, but not in pieces. The priest seemed to know just what i needed.

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After the mass, i invited the Absolut folks to watch a movie, The Vow. I know, cheesy. But i really wanted to feel kilig that day.

Story: a loving couple gets into an accident and girl loses memory. Guy tries hard to help her remember, but to no avail. He makes her fall in love with him again. She never remembered anything, but they lived happily ever after.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

I asked myself: if i lost my memory, who are the people who would fight to be remembered? I recalled The List. A list of men i dated/had a relationship with/liked and found one person. Yes, him. (Just nod as if you know.) But how can he, right? Am i that devoid of romance in my life that the person I thought of was someone who's out of the country?

It's a shame. I always tell myself how great I am. And i can't even get a guy to come to church with me. Someone i actually liked.

What i liked most about the movie is the fact that there are moments of stupidity that can cough up more complicated results. Had Paige put her seatbelt on, she could've saved sweet-ass Channing Tatum from a lot of stress.

I started thinking, if i didn't think or act this way, would i have ended up being with this or that guy? If i decided when i was younger that i wanted to be borta, would i be single now? If i pursued Chem and took medicine, would i have surrounded myself with handsome, intelligent McDreamys? If i had kept mouth shut, would i still be his?

Channing was very adorable in the movie, that's a given. But he did not deserve what he went through because of one puny detail.

So always put your seatbelt, condom and common sense on.

So it's Valentine's Day again.

I know, this used to be my favorite holiday next to Christmas. But i guess i've lost all interest in the celebration. Don't get me wrong. I ain't being bitter or something. I love "love." I write about it. I yearn for it. I just feel like it has lost its essence.

Nowadays, Valentine's Day has become a holiday for being too lavish. So much for capitalism. Hotel rates are expensive. Flowers' prices skyrocket. Chocolates are given around (watch your tonsils guys).

Everyone starts going crazy trying to catch up with friends who are un-single and will do anything just to have a date with someone on this day. I don't do pity fucks/dates. It's just sooooooo pathetic.

I wouldn't, for the life of me, enter a relationship just so i can tell the world i have someone to cuddle with on V Day. People would say, "I met the perfect guy on a blind/speed/parent-arranged date on Valentine's Day!" c'mon. That doesn't happen to everyone!

Love is a serious thing. You don't go after it so you can change your Facebook status. I was foolish then, so i'm tryna make things right now.

When people say "I don't have a date yet" i ignore the comment and think "And that's a problem because?" How many of us are smart, well-bred, but stupid when it comes to love? No one would admit that, i guess.

So on Valentine's Day, i'd rather be home, watch Sex and the City, and be thankful i am not spending money on a date with a hopeless case or being fucked by another lonely soul. I'm better than that. Y'all should be too. We can celebrate love any ime of the year so get your act together. It's better to be single than be in a forced relationship and break up weeks later. Oh well, you can't hurry love, yes? Keep that love bug in a jar and let it bite you when the right guy comes along.

So i never really had time to catch up with BrattyKrissy and Madam Shugaytay. One time, we just decided to get together and talk about whatever's going on in our lives. During dinner, Bratty raised a scenario: if we were to be in our deathbeds, there would be questions we would ask ourselves and he asked us to determine whether these questions would matter, or would we regret what our actions were. Naturally, Madam talked about Mister Shugaytay. We told her to ask him if he would choose her. After a few SMS messages, he said no. And that started the emotional outpour. Bratty resolved not to communicate with Spike (who's really hot, btw. Me? Hmmm. How do i start?

I've been crushing on this guy for quite sometime. We talk a lot, we hang out (with friends). The thing is, he's taken. During the trio dinner, Archibald (can't think of a good name) called. I, out of character, answered the phone and left the table. So when i got back, Madam and Bratty asked me: deathbed question, would you regret not telling Archibald that you like him? I said yes. They handed my phone to me and said, "Call him." So i did. After telling him i liked him, i hung up. It felt sooooo great to be soooo straight forward. I'm usually shy about these things. The trio felt it was time to be risque about stuff and i agreed.

I met Archibald the next day over lunch and the "risque attitude" had evaporated from my body. I simply told him i wasn't pulling his leg, and that i liked him. Good Lord. I didn't even ask what he felt. I was afraid he would say he didn't like me that way. I found myself talking about other things. Until now, i don't know the answer. He never volunteered the information anyway. So i left things at that.

Days later, the trio travelled to a province. It was time to get out of the city and face the ocean. We had a short goodbye ceremony of sorts. We each took a handful of sand, said a few words to the men we were crazy about and literally let go of the sand. It was solemn. I said goodbye to two guys: one who kept me waiting and one whom i can't push myself to wait for.

Nowadays, we're all quiet. No big news about the men of our lives. It should stay that way.

I love Madam and Bratty. It took us a long way to be here, but we are now. Let the craziness continue.