A Travellerspoint blog

The cray-cray adventures: with the soon-to-be newlyweds


This morning was exciting because i was scheduled to meet my good friend Bry, who will be marrying long-time boyfriend Jason. We agreed to meet at Victory Regis Ctr since they attend the church too. On my way to church, i was lucky enough to see Derrick just about to ride a cab so he rode in my cab instead. Bry texted that they would be late so Derrick and i proceeded to our seats last week.

As usual, praise and worship was good. I heard new songs that sounded great! I wonder if there are more. I've heard of Gospel singers gone mainstream like Ben Folds Five and Stacie Orrico and Sarah Sadler so i'm curious about others. The sermon was about prayers. There was this awkward moment where we had to group ourselves and pray for eah others' prayers. I was grouped with Derrick of course. I don't know, i'm still new to this. I hope next time i will be sharing more.

After being dismissed, i learned that Bry arrived just a bit late so they didn't go to GT anymore. We then headed to Peanut Butter Co for lunch, my treat, since i haven't seen Bry for a long time. I was just glad that they liked what we ate, and Bry and Jason were able to warm up to Derrick. I was never good at introducing friends to other friends. After eating, Derrick had to join the group meeting at church, while the three of us decided to have coffee. I tried the matcha green tea of CBTL and it was good, not too sweet, but okay. Bry and i also went upstairs to buy cupcakes from Mom and Tina's. We got butter, mandarin orange and prune cupcakes. Butter was good. Mandarin orange reminded me of dayap cake from Chocolate Kiss. Prune? No comment. Okay, it reminded us of Almond Joy. That we don't enjoy. Coconut and chocolate just don't mix. There.

Derrick followed after their session was done. We spent the rest of the hour talking about our lives in college and poking fun at Derrick's age. Well, that should be the last of it. I've made fun of him so much.

After the delightful coffee session, Bry and Jason had to visit her gramps so Derrick and i stayed at Moonleaf. I tried the jasmine milk tea. It was okay. Again. Derrick and i talked about their meeting. I hope he gets more comfortable with the group. It's fun watching him talk about the people in the group, like it's his first day in school and he's telling me about new friends he met.

When we finished our drinks, we walked around Katips looking for a Smart Wireless Ctr but there was none so we went home. I dropped him off Maginhawa, which made me miss the area. I want my own apartment again. :(

When we both got home, he opened the card that i gave along with the bookmark and the notebook. I guess even with this faith up for renewal, i still hold on to my Fish Philosophies. Make their Day. Be there. Derrick's a really great friend. And i want to be a great friend for him too.

I staye downstairs for a bit, waiting for Marcus to smile so i can take pictures. I think i captured half-smiles.

Next week, i will not be able to make it to the 10am service, so i'll be attending GT alone. We'll be attending the christening of my niece Fria, and the family will be there.

This Sunday has been very good to me. Had a bit of time with the baby, spent time with an old friend and a new friend. I never felt tired. Next week, i'll try to use my stepper again. I hafta be busy or else i might think about food or yosi. Big no no.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 20:17 Archived in Philippines Tagged cray_cray_adventures Comments (2)

Quickie post


Since i needed to wake up early for church this morning, i didn't have anything planned for yesterday. Normally, i'd be out drinking on a Saturday night, but i've given up that part of me now. When i woke up on Saturday afternoon, i just hung out downstairs and played with bugoy. Later on, i had a convo with Burn about his sitch with the guy he's dating. It was refreshing. I haven't seen him for a while so we ended up talking for hours. We talked briefly about my own sitch too, and the friends we used to have. I guess we've resolved not to dwell in the past and move on.

At around 4pm, i needed to go to SM San Lazaro to get my pants. When i got there, i saw that the seamstress only patched the left side, so she had to do it again for the right side, and i had to wait for an hour. I roamed around te mall an ended up buying cologne, roasted chicken, a jelly case for my phone and new earphones. I also dropped by National Bookstore to buy another pen (!), a notebook for Derrick and bookmarks for me and him. I bought him a notebook so he can write down his thoughts or the things that he forgets. The bookmark was for his new Bible. Note to self: get new Bible or install one on phone. I know that Derrick's gonna get a kidle whatever anyway, but bookmarking is part of the fun in reading. Hopefully he gets to use it.

When i got home, i ate downstairs and read Day 3 of The Purpose Driven Life, that i have to blog about as soon as i finish Day 4 later. :)I staye up until 2am because i just had to watch Suits on streaming. Lol. Will blog again later!

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 17:56 Archived in Philippines Comments (0)

The case of the old blog posts


Gay-ness does not translate to happiness

i had a conversation with a co-worker yesterday about having gay children, which kind of went to the "nature vs nurture" route, and i found myself replying with "it's a difficult situation." i was a bit vague with my answer because there are two ways to see it: difficult for the parents or difficult for the child.

i have been "out" for a couple of years, to a certain number of friends and acquaintances. heck, i can't even tell my dad that i am, and i wonder if he knows, or accepts me for that matter. i think that it took my mom quite a period of time to digest the long email i sent her years ago, because it took her three months to finally get to talk about the information i volunteered. i don't have a gauge on how hard it was for her to take. i could imagine her dreams of me being married and having children getting flushed down the drain. i felt like shit that time. i constantly checked my email to see if there was an answer to my unannounced question: would she take me for what i am?

knowing my mom, i kinda knew what the answer was. i just needed confirmation of what she felt about the topic. i guess i am lucky that i have a mother with a very open mind. this may be true: accepting that your kid is gay will take a lot of strength and willpower; but has anyone ever thought how it is for the child?

i'm always asked about this perpetual question: when did you ever know that you were gay? at this point, i wouldn't even remember the actual time i knew i was gay. but i know that in college, that was when i accepted what i was. when you are a child and people are teasing you because of the way that you talk and you behave, IT'S NOT EASY. processing all the taunting and negative comments is considered a burden for a gay child. i commend all those who realized what they are at a very early age. that means that for the long run, whatever they hear is quite normal for them already. it's more difficult for those who took a very long time before openly saying "yes, i am gay." i had to consider a lot of things: what would my parents say, what my family would say, who will take care of me when i grow old, etc. i saw myself as an abnormal person. like i didn't deserve to be happy. or i'm ashamed of what i've become.

the culture that we have here in the philippines still reverts back to the "oh-so-macho" era. and that's what i tried to follow. i had a moustache like everyone else had. i acted like a guy and hung out with mostly guy friends. but it eventually became tiring. to prove that you're a man in a daily basis is difficult.

the time that i came out was kind of good for me. being in UP was perfect, too. people say being liberal has a negative connotation. i say nay. the environment at school helped me little by little to accept myself and who i was going to become. i had that privilege, some others didn't. my friends were quick to respond about what i admitted. even my high school guy friends didn't say much. all the paranoia about how people regarded me was gone. although at times, even in the present, acquaintances still throw unconscious, insensitive comments and jokes about my sexuality. i take them lightly.

they don't know what i went through. they say they understand, but they could only sympathize. even dating in my world is very difficult. we don't adhere to the men are from mars thingy. gay people are more difficult to please nowadays. if you don't have a six pack, consider yourself as a bottom feeder, no pun intended.

i guess this is sort of my coming out piece. i must say thanks to Joan for making me think about this topic. parents are quick to think: would i be able to accept my gay child? consider the child and the hell he/ she goes through everyday. in a world where gays are viewed as handicapped citizens, the best thing that parents could do is to support the child. do not batter yourself if it was your fault or whatever. people are still debating about the "nature vs nurture" shit that's going on. unless you have a definitive answer for that, then don't make life more complicated as it is. they say life isn't easy. ask any gay man or woman, they might just give you a snap or two.

Random babbles: the sex talk

last year was a lull. i only had sex with one guy and i slept with him twice. okay, okay. this seems shallow. but i thought that i was losing my groove. i used to have sex at least once a month. that was way back in 2006. what the hell was happening to me?

and then i tried to dig deep. no pardon for the pun.

i realized that my current job has something to do with it. you see, i'm a trainer. i don't only train new hires but i also train agents and non agents. when i saw how my colleagues were always at their best behavior, i knew i had to follow suit. i couldn't risk seeing someone i had rough sex with in my class. the horror that must have been. gossip is something that i don't feel comfortable with. especially when it's about me. (i heard people raised eyebrows when i applied as a trainer, but that's a different story.)

i even turned down some guys i have been communicating with thinking that someday they'll be my trainees. before, after talking to guys online, i usually meet them in a week or so, and then have them bang me. like crazy. now, i've began assuring myself that the person i'm flirting with is or will not be in nco. most of the guys i text end up thinking i'm boring and a bad lay. wtf? coz after all the teasing, i usually cancel at the last minute. teehee.

one more thing is location. i promised myself that i would only bring home a guy once we are committed to each other. and i've held my end of the bargain. i guess it's coincidental that a lot of guys don't have a place for effing. great.

hmm... what a sad story right? how can i fulfill my hierarchy of needs? my f*ck buddies are not around. i'm gaining more weight (read: unattractive). the happiest place in the world (my room) isn't anymore. my credibility is at stake. if there's any left.

i can honestly say that i need sex to feel good. i need to feel wanted. or to be lusted after. not that i'm a slut. (prudes stay out of this.) we all need something to make ourselves feel better. something to justify the smiles on our faces. relationships don't do it for me. gratifying sex does. people may judge me after this. i'm just saying what they can't.

so eff off. read someone else's notes. i miss five words i haven't heard for a while. "wham bam, thank you ma'am." i should hear that soon. referring to me.

Random babbles: outside looking in

Outside Looking In

So I met up with an old friend this afternoon for early dinner. As a backgrounder, we used to have feelings for each other; but we never got around to being in a relationship. I can’t say that he’s the one that got away, because up to now we’re still good friends. He’s in a relationship with a guy who made him do things he used to view as unconventional, and that makes me happy for him.

After just a few minutes of talking, he dropped a bomb on me. “I think you’ve changed. You don’t have the same passion for life you used to have. You compartmentalize your life.” Okay, so I’m still riddled by the last sentence, but while we continued chatting, I found myself floating away from our conversation. I tried to recall how I was when he first met me. So carefree, so young, so fresh. I know, the old me sounds like a napkin commercial. But I realized that what he said was true.

Now, I’m just all about work. When I go home, I only spend ample time bonding with my family. With the fitness craze we have at the office, my officemates and I even met one weekend to play badminton, which means less time to spend for my other friends. And my “through the years” friends bring out the old me.

My Sex and the City days trying to be Carrie are done. I feel like a Miranda Hobbes who just met Steve. Content with one night stands, trying to surround myself with a wall. My friend, let’s call him Elmo, said this like trying to hit the bull’s eye only two feet away: “You like being good at your job, that you build a wall around you to save yourself from being vulnerable to love.” I almost cried, I just kept looking away from him. “I just don’t want you to become jaded.” Again, I looked away.

Am I on my way to being jaded and cynical? These are two adjectives I tried to shy away from. Another good friend, Olive, can attest how much I celebrated love. February was a favorite month of mine because I could see around partners doing cheesy things for each other. I have just compiled a collection of my poems about, guess what, love.

Am I just writing for the sake of writing? Will I be able to carry out the emotions I express through my poetry? When will all be real?

Just a couple of months ago I resolved to push myself into the dating world again. But I found myself holding back, always saying “I’m too busy.” Even sex was out of the question. In one post here, I mentioned how much I wanted to be lusted after, no luck there when I’m holed up in my room when I should be out meeting guys. My gay bro Ali has been dragging me to bars, but I just don’t have the courage to go around flirt, and the energy to do so.
They say the truth hurts; I guess that’s why I’m hurting. I admit that I’m the fat guy that boys run away from. What’s worse is that I don’t exert effort in running after them.

I need a man. Someone who will wake me up from hibernation. A man who will say: “It’s okay” when I say I’ll be working the whole day, won’t be texting as much but will still have him on my mind. But as Elmo put it, albeit right to my face: “Learn to compromise.” Work hard but don’t let that take time away from other important things. I’m dating someone right now, but I want to know that person fully well before I can say I “love” him.

Valentine’s Day is coming. It’s corny to think that I came out with this when my former favorite holiday is near. But I think that conversation with Elmo couldn’t have come in a better time.

Priorities set the way I live in different times. I can honestly say a relationship is not on top of my list, but I’ll try to put it up there. Hopefully I can meet someone who can be the match that lights up the fireworks inside me. By then, maybe I don’t have to be on he outside looking in.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 12:02 Archived in Philippines Tagged the_case_of Comments (0)

my soul's travels: PDL Days 1 and 2


surviving the recent nameless catastrophe cemented my grasp of how good the Lord is. others lost lives, properties and what not, but my family made it through. on our trip to SM, i finally got a copy of The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren as suggested by Derrick.

i immediately opened the book as i got back to work. honestly, i am still unsure how all this would work out. i am in alien territory. this feels a lot different from my childhood because then, religion was part my education. at my age now, i have seen a lot and have been through enough experience to suddenly change my point of view about God.

Day 1 was simple. it was about "it all starts with God." (i can not share that much yet because i'm just at the start. imagine how the 40th day will look like.) all i can say about the first day is that, it is about removing the focus from myself, and ensuring that my thoughts should be about the purpose of my life, as planned by God. success in different aspects of my life are my successes, but do not measure up to the fulfillment of achieving my life's purpose. this is the point where it gets blurry to me, and that is because i am unsure yet what that purpose is. i am tempted to read the next few chapters ahead, but the author wanted it to be a slow, daily experience.

there was a question to consider: in spite of all the advertising around me, how can i remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself? hmm. tricky. if i looked for commercials or plain print ads, all of them are about what we classify as our "needs" and "wants." with that, these advertisements really target our attention to buy these products. it somehow links to the fact that we should be able to satisfy our needs as per Maslow's Hierarchy to ensure that we are motivated to live. there is a thin line between wants and needs; and most folks interchange the two. so with the help of advertising, we all try to get what they're trying to sell, hence, satisfying our wants/needs. this is where living for one's self comes in. it's always about "me." what do i want? what do i need?

have you, reader, ever asked what would God want/need? i remember those baller bracelet thingies that bear the initials WWJD (what would Jesus do?) clever, but true. in this scenario, WWJW? WWJN? He wants us to live with a purpose, His purpose, whatever he designed for us.

this last bit brings us to Day 2. "You are not an accident." it has been said that eons before i was born, God had already planned my life. i am not an accident. a year before i was born, my mom gave birth to twins, James Caesar and Jerome Caesar. alas, they had weak hearts and died days after being born. a year later, i was out. i have always been thinking, wouldn't it be cool to have older twin brothers? but i also realized, my parents would have decided then not to have another child. or maybe if they did decide to have another one, i could have been a girl. i am not an accident. wherever i am right now, God planned this. He thought of me way before i was born.

the question to consider for Day 2 was: knowing that God uniquely created me, what areas of my personality, background and physical appearance am i struggling to accept?

hmm, my weight? no, because that's my fault. my broken family? no, because i wouldn't have been this independent-minded if i had my mom and dad around me. my personality? no, because i am pleased with how i am. no matter how many people hate me or love me, this is me. if i had the chance to change, i would but with reason. but if i can't accept myself, who else would?

with that, i am now excited to see what my purpose is. what aspect of my life is geared towards fulfilling that purpose? how will my personality, background and appearance play parts in fulfilling my life's purpose?

i will look back after i close my 40th day, and hope that i will be able to answer these questions.

P.S. i am planning to go on a retreat. where in the Philippines should i go? i need a place that's quiet and really easy to access, and does not require that much planning. please help, thanks! :)

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 01:54 Archived in Philippines Tagged soul_travels Comments (0)

the case of the stranded siren of the dark seas


August 6 - i was eating dinner with the family, with the intent of going to work. minutes later, one of my cousins arrived and told us that espana is already flooded. it had been raining the weekend before, but we did not think it would be that hard. i decided not to go to work, and just try again at midnight. alas, when i tried to go around 2am, the water has reached our door. monites later, my aunt had to turn the power switch off because we had sockets that might be reached by flood water.

August 7 - still rained heavily. i was confident the flood will subside soon. but it kept raining hard, to think it was only monsoon rain, not an actual typhoon. i wasn't able to go to work again, and this time we all ate in the dining room with our feet submerged in water. i still had a few percentage of battery on my iPhone, Samsung and laptop so i just sang my self to sleep; also texting friends once in a while and checking twitter, path and facebook for news about other areas.

August 8 - still. rained. heavily. but the water subsided a bit so i was able to charge my laptop and iPhone. as soon as i tweeted that the water is off our house, it rained bulldogs and hyenas. soon, the water entered our house again and we had to turn off the power switch. i was devastated. again, i was absent from work. i slept a bit in the afternoon, wishing that when i woke up the water's gone. this was the second night that did not poop because even our bathroom was full of water. we all ate in the second floor common area, slumped on the floor with small candles as our light. i was already feeling queasy. it was already 7pm and it wasn't even windy so it was warm. our house was the only one that did not turn the switch on because of the low sockets. all night i could hear what the neighbors were watching or listening to. i did not play music. i just laid down and texted Derrick. by 11pm, i was delirious. it was hot. i needed to poop. i wasn't able to do anything. despite the few minutes of happiness when i pretended i was being chased by Jake Cuenca in our living room while running on flood water, i was almost inconsolable. Derrick kept on telling me to pray. i did, for a few times. when i couldn't take it any longer, i cried. and still, i prayed. i guess i cried because i realized how selfish i was. our family is used to the flood. i thought about the others who were not able to hold on to their things, or stay at their homes. by 1am, my battery was drained. i took my medicine and minutes later i was feeling sleepy. 2am, still raining hard, but my eyes were heavy. i dozed off.

August 9 - i woke up early, around 7am and the flood was gone. my aunt was smiling. food was served on the table. no flood water. thank God.

to celebrate Marcus' first month since his birth (7/7) and the disappearance of flood water, we went to SM to buy food. and i was really happy to get out of the house. and yeah, that night, i went back to work with a smile on my face with my renewed liberation from the murky waters of Sampaloc West.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 01:24 Archived in Philippines Tagged the_case_of Comments (0)

Poem vomit: bridal thoughts

For my good friend, the soon to be ex-Brian Joanne Malabuyoc


As i walk down the aisle with my heartbeat racing, I smile in your direction with everyone else fading

All our years together have come to this moment, with God as our witness, His blessings, we are sent

From our countless "I love you's," today we'll say our "I do's;" You're my world, you're my life, 'til forever I'll be your wife.

jaycee pagdanganan

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 09:33 Archived in Philippines Tagged poem_vomit Comments (0)

The case of the urban beach


I have lived in the Espana area almost all my life. Whenever people ask me where i live and i give them my answer, more often than not they would say, "Isn't that area always flooded?/Bahain dun di ba?" 

Yes, our street has been perenially ravaged by the murky waters from rain, sewers and rat urine. It was fun when i was still young because it meant that there were no classes. I remember watching the Houston vs Rockets finals in the 90's while my cousins and i are in the sala, with our feet getting crinkly due to soaking in the water for hours! 

Our furniture and appliances are very much adaptable to this yearly problem. We never buy sofas that are not transformable. It's always the two-piece kind. One piece wooden support, one piece actual foam. As soon as the water reaches our door, the foams are separated from their beloved wooden support, and strategically placed on top of the wood to hold other smaller pieces at home (e.g. A smaller table, magazines and directories). Other stuff like our cabinet and fridge have been elevated by wood too, and they have remained like that for years so we don't have to raise them up all the time. 

Sometimes i dream of a really high-tech kitchen, or a superb looking living room, but the floods hinder that. 

Last night, for the first time, i really wanted to go to work because of action items that i needed to get done. I sincerely tried to go out but my aunt won't let me. It was an epic fail of an attempt. Now, it's raining again and the water might rise more. 

Maybe it's a good thing that i disn't go. I don't want to be one of those people that folks would laugh at when i fall into a manhole. Now you see me, now you don't. Flooding also cramps anyone's style. Pants are raised, jackets are worn snugly, good thing i don't wear skirts. I won't know how to handle that. 

It's also not good to get stranded anywhere. If all stranded people looked like Jake Cuenca i would be fine. But no. 

It makes me wonder when this problem will be fixed. I know that Manila is a bit below sea level at some points, but sewage has got to be the main issue here. I've heard of reports that in some parts of Manila, esteros are cleaned up, but deliberately clogged by residents so when the streets are flooded, they can have their instant boating business. It also doesn't help that our drainage system is not designed to put out garbage. Look at all the open holes where garbage can easily slip through. People are not being responsible too. It's like Manila i one big trash bin, where trash is free for all. The local government needs to act really quick because no one would like to invest in an area that is very problematic. 

I have had years of a love-hate relationship with the dark seas of Espana. And it may be one relationship that i'll have to last a lifetime.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 11:24 Archived in Philippines Comments (0)

the cray-cray adventures: the soulful Sunday


days ago, i agreed to go to church with Derrick. i've been hearing about the Victory fellowship for quite some time now, with active members posting about it on facebook. when i was finally asked by someone i knew, i gave in.

we were supposed to meet before 9am, but Derrick slept late because of a video he had to edit. i was chatting with Bryan through Line so i asked him if he could join us. i had wanted the mahjongeras to meet Derrick. lately, they have been my closer friends and of course it would be better if we all got along right? besides, i knew it would be okay for Derrick. i met Bryan a few minutes after 9am and we went straight to Regis Center, where service was held.

when Derrick arrived, we went to the fifth floor. i was amazed ny the space. they had TV screens, AVPs, and a stage. it was like any normal conference, only it was a church event. we sat at the back, and we were greeted by a guy who turned out to be one of the pastors. the attendance was a good mix of old and young folks. seeing young people coming in, i thought my stay would be interesting.

service started with prayer/worship songs. what kept me interested was the fact that they really sounded current, and the arrangement of the songs was not like the usual songs i hear from other churches. looking at the lyrics projected on the screen, i imagined how selfish i had been with my own writing. it's all about me, but here, they had people working on songs that are about God. on the second song, i had found myself singing the words and tapping my fingers. before i knew it, we had been standing and singing for 30 minutes.

there were a few people who spoke first, until a pastor came on board and spoke about the "that thing you do" series. i wouldn't write about the content, for it's something that i can't share effectively yet. all i can say is that i felt good listening to the pastor. it was like one long homily that was part fact and part entertainment. towards the end, we were all asked to close our eyes and raise our hands if we needed healing, but i didn't. not that i'm in denial, but i would in the right time. maybe on my second time? Derrick raised his hand so when we were dismissed, a group leader of sorts chatted with him for a bit. yeah, maybe next time for me.

after church, we went to one of my favorite restos that i don't go to frequently, peanut butter company. i remember going to PB Co with Mr Big, but i yearned for the spaghetti more. Bryan ordered what i got, the classic spaghetti and some mojo potatoes. Derrick had some fish fillet. what's interesting with PB Co is they fused my favorite bread spread with other recipes. my classic spaghetti smelled like kare kare, but it tasted awesome. it was like having bolognese, and then dumping spoonfuls of peanut butter. it didn't taste weird, surprisingly. the mojos had some peanut butter on them, with matching dips that of course, had peanut butter too.

Our next stop was Mom and Tina's. It is just beside PB Co, and i feel that space could've been bigger because the interior felt really cramped albeit the homey feel inside. There were around 10-12 tables inside the small space so everyone can hear conversations from the other tables. I got the butter cupcake and sugarless choco fudge. The butter cake is just really a small cake with a perfect combo of butter bread with marshmallowy frosting. The choco fudge, which i'm eating right now, is divine. The first bite feels different, maybe it's the texture of the frosting. But with one bite, the not-too-sweet smithereens spread inside my mouth. I'm coming back for more.

After that, Derrick went home to sleep, while Bryan and i went to Trinoma to buy a shirt for Burn from team manila that says "ambassador of positivity." and since the theater was full, we transferred to Gateway to watch Brave.

Hmm. Brave is a different take on the usual Disney princess. Here, we have a brash girl who's very unladylike but still stubborn in her youth. I wouldn't write a spoiler, but this movie almost made me shed ters because i remembered my mom. I love her and i really miss her. The movie also talked about breaking tradition. This cemented my decision to change.

After the movie, we went home. I spent some time downstairs, and without any help, i held our new baby in my arms. It felt great holding ghe baby, seeing innocence at a time when i was feeling lost.

Before he slept, i think i offended Derrick with too much teasing. Sorry daddy, i know you'll read this. Love you!

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 23:46 Archived in Philippines Tagged cray_cray_adventures Comments (0)

the case of the future experiments


this morning, i attended a church service that i have heard from others for a while now. while we were in the middle of the service, i started to think about how i have been for the past few months.

at the start of this year, i made a pact with the trio adventurers that i will start living a risque life, with all my choices, decisions and dalliances. i have made a lot of bad decisions since then. i'm not saying being risky is bad, it was just i never thought well about things so much.

to drown out the consequences of my actions and decisions, i turned to alcohol. at one point i regarded vodka as my best friend. i stopped and started smoking a number of times. i ran after guys who were taken. the only decision that i stuck to was my decision to be celibate until i found my next partner.

i was risky, but i wasn't happy. suddenly, Julia Roberts didn't matter anymore. i didn't have to be ruthless to go after my happiness. it was like, in a snap, i wanted to be Cameron. i wanted to run, and know that Dermot was running after me. i wanted to get high without the aid of alcohol. so i made a decision.

i might still consider these next action items as risky, because they go against what i would call my "self." but i'm willing to take the risk.

~devote time to church. the first thing that i wanted to fix was my soul. i think that i have been so into mainstream stuff that i forgot about what mattered most. so every Sunday, i will attend church service. if there's anything that i need to learn right now, it's to start thinking right from my core. and i need values. i need this change in focus because i feel this is what has been missing in my life.

~get away. i am planning of filing for a week's worth of leave from work. i may do it in September. right now i don't have plans, but i want to get out of the city alone and experience a different environment. i want to see trees, and sand, and waves and not think about anything or anyone but myself. maybe a retreat would do? or if i could find a place where it's quiet, that's better.

~go offline. my life has been consumed by social networking. it is addictive. and i want to stay away from it. i will go offline during my vacation.

~detox. i have been saying i'll quit smoking and drinking. lately, smoking and drinking seem to the reason for my existence. i want to see what will happen when i lead a clean life. will i still have the same set of friends? will i feel healthier? can i make it really far?

today was the start of something new for me. and i promise to write about every step of my journey. i love myself, and i have to feel that love before i go searching for it from somebody else. let's see what happens next.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 22:06 Archived in Philippines Tagged cray_cray_adventures personal_projects Comments (0)

the rollercoaster week


monday - i finally went to the dentist. i had my teeth cleaned for the first time, and the dentist put pasta on two of my molars. next friday, i'll have an xray so we can determine what we can remove first. and oh, the doctor told me to get braces. argh.

after that, i went to the tattoo shop inside shoppesville to have my third tat done. it's a sunflower just above my left elbow. i guess that distracted me a bit as the pain seared through my skin. i want more. i guess i'll have the moon as my next design.

tuesday - was sick, didn't go to work.

wednesday - i went to minutehealth for my APE. it's true, service is fast. so is the consultation with the doctor. i complained about my fever and colds but she totally dismissed it and asked me other questions. one note for minutehealth? there was a cute nurse there. he's a bit on the short side, but has a nice set of eyes: chinky, just the way i like it. :) i guess that's why my bp was elevated. lol.

because of my non-consultation in minutehealth, i went with my cousin to sm san lazaro with two of my nieces. the doctor found infection in my blood, and my bp was still elevated. so now, i'm on medication (anti-biotics) and some sort of food diet. but right after my niece and i got checked, we went to greenwich and ordered food. my niece wouldn't eat any of the food we had so i went to kfc with her and bought her chicken, and bites for my cousin and other niece. while waiting for further results, we also went around and ended up shopping. my cousin bought new shorts for my younger niece coz she peed on her pants, my older niece bought shirts for her dad and i bought new earrings and a shirt. yey! when we came back, the doctor said i needed further tests and fasting for the next day.

thursday - i had to go to the clinic early in the morning for my bloodwork and xray. too bad the ultrasound was not working so i have to come back on the weekend. SM looked different in the morning. less people, more fun for me. i was able to go around and ended up buying bridget jones' diary from booksale. so this weekend will be about books. i have to finish all the books on my list. this was a tiring day as i was not able to sleep, even during my shift.

friday - i met derrick for dinner. i brought him to napoli (yum!). naturally, i ordered chicken cutlet spaghetti and i'm glad he liked it. he also ordered white pizza on the side, which i immediately covered with parmesan cheese. i don't know how else i could stress how much i love napoli. i've had so many memories at this resto, i can consider it a friend. i remember eating at napoli way back when chicken cutlet was still 190 php.

halfway through my shift, my other friends Dino and JM dropped by to get the cupcakes i promised Dino a while ago. it was fun catching up, for i haven't seen JM since my birthday. Dino and JM have been dating for a few weeks now.

... (forgot what else i had in mind)

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 21:57 Archived in Philippines Comments (0)

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