A Travellerspoint blog

my sinful life

semi-overcast

it's time once again for a confessional. all my life i disliked confessing. i remember doing it high school or grade school, because it was a requirement for us to graduate. i admired the efforts of the school, but i didn't feel comfortable with the idea of confession being mandated. that was me then. i thought that telling someone about my sins was the same thing as admitting i was broken, and i didn't like that. so for the past few years, i never confessed. i never said i was wrong.

whether at work or at home, even in relationships, i hated being told i was not right. my way was always the right way. this must be the worst thing about me. God must have been shaking his head for every denial and fight to prove that i was right.

as i grew up, i started taking on different vices. smoking, alcohol, sex. the only thing that i wasn't addicted to was drugs, and thank God i wasn't. i would've been a mess, and my parents did not deserve that.

smoking was like breathing for me. i smoked when i woke up, after i ate, while i put my clothes on, when i arrived at the office, during breaks, when i was stressed, when i got home, while writing, etc. smoking has helped me focus when i wanted to write poems. most of what i write included smoking as an activity. i felt relief everytime i puffed on that little white stick of death. i've quit a lot of times. just two weeks ago though, i promised God it will be the last time i would quit smoking, for i didn't want to go back. i appreciate some of my friends who back me up. sometimes i give in to peer pressure easily, so having supportive friends is a good thing.

drinking? oh man. i may drink occasionally at times, but when i'm really down, i drink a lot. i once regarded vodka as my best friend, and took on Kathy Handler, my drinking alter ego, in reference to the great Chelsea Handler. until now, i have a bottle of vodka at home, which is like a test i have to pass everyday. i was wild when i was drunk. recently, realizations of being lonely made me turn to alcohol. i drank every weekend. i met some new friends, that was fun. but when things got a little bit cray, i had to limit my relations with certain people. that's the thing with alcohol, you never know what you're going to do when you let it go to your head. i was told i shouted "i love pen*ses!" at a bar. yeah. libations at greenhills was like heaven for me. it was a place where i met new friends and cemented my reputation as a big drunkard. i didn't care how much i spent just so i can drink. we even rented a condo unit just to party. i loved alcohol. i revered alcohol. maybe because i felt sooooo free in the fake reality it offered. i was able to do things that i shouldn't, but i am glad i never went too far. some people can't handle it well, resorting to activities without thinking. i almost became a pure hedonist, living for pleasure. not just for alcohol, but with the things i did with it. i never want to use alcohol agaon to be flirty with anyone. i don't want to be thought of as someone who used alcohol to take advantage of other people in their drunken stupor. a real friend will not take advantage of you in a state of stupidity.

oh, being stupid, right? sex has gotten me to do crazy things. i spent money on internet connection, computer rentals, time and effort just to get laid. gone are the days of having my flavors of the month. if there's one thing i'm proud of so far, it's that i haven't gotten jiggy with anyone for almost a year. i want my next one to be special because i deserved it. the one thing that may hold me back is what our church may say about, well, sex.

if there's one thing that i feel will be a problem with the renewal of my faith, it will be my homosexuality. this has become my lifestyle. if people were to give words that would describe me, i guess the top spot would be: gay. i have been this way for years. i have come to accept what i liked in life. i honestly do not see myself being with a woman. nor having children. this must be the ultimate test. i do not know how the future might pan out for me, but whatever He decides i do, i should accept with all my heart.

so what is this confessional about? i want to identify what my faults are. i have found friends who serve as my outlet everytime i need to say my sins out loud. and these conversations did not need alcohol. i also remembered this while training a course yesterday. i asked the participants to think of their fatal flaws, and i had my own answers. my flaws are fatal. i could die. lung cancer. liver disease. AIDS. it's not easy to have vices. it feels great to be crazy. but i have to use my head.

in a few weeks, i will embark on a solo journey to find and know God better. i think i know myself enough. those who say they don't know themselves are all in a state of denial. how can you not know yourself? do you constantly need others to tell you who are? maybe it's because you don't want to acknowledge yourself. going on this retreat looked fun being with someone, but i haven't found that one person with whom i can share this experience. so i guess going alone is the best option. i am excited. i want to go back to Manila feeling a lot better about myself, my faith, my life.

surely, i have dealt with a lot of evils, and there are more to come. all i need is to strengthen myself, and not go back to the way i was. a sinful life is fun, until it comes back to you and hits you where it hurts the most.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 18:08 Archived in Philippines Comments (0)

the case of the sleepless and full-stomach weekend

(with an emergency mahjongeras session)

rain

Last Friday, i went to work really early because i was supposed to meet Derrick and give him cupcakes, but something happened the day before and well, i did not have cupcakes to give. Derrick went somewhere else instead, and I, feeling alive-alert-awake-enthusiastic on a payday Friday, still decided to go to work early and eat at Manang's! I discovered Manag's when i went out on a date with Paul months ago in Mercato. Well, it was just a stall there. The one along Morato was an actual resto. The place looked like a less fancy Jollibee but with the same friendly crew. I totally understood the understatement with the interior because my focus was on the food. When i arrived, i was the lone customer. Minutes later, there were pairs of people coming in, some i think were dates, and i felt a bit sad. I was the odd, gay man out. Anyway, i ordered the four-piece chicken wings, which was actually just two wing parts cut into halves, so you have four. I don't care. memories came back when i savored the hot meat, crunchy skin and delicious original sauce. I forgot about Bon Chon and Four Fingers altogether. Oh-la-la.

I had to leave soon (with Romy's take-out) because i knew it was difficult to get a cab along Morato going back to work. I didn't want to walk. Ugh. When i got back to the office, Romy reminded me that there was a birthday celebration at work. Wooooh! We had spaghetti (Filipino sauce), pizza and ice cream. Double. Effing. Dutch. When the food came in, we were in a meeting. After the meeting my food was already gone. Romy and i kept talking about Manang's to Ray and Rem that we decided to order 24 pieces more. Yes. The four of us. 6 pieces each. By the time the delivery arrived, i was almost full. I stopped eating after my third piece. Yes, sometimes i give up (i wish it was that easy for other things). I finished my sixth piece towards the end of my shift. I could feel my heart complaining about all that oil. Sorry.

Anyway, we ended our shift kinda happy. So i went home early and didn't ask them out. By the time i was about to sleep, i caught Burn on Grindr. Well, we had to talk about Vince at some point. We ended up conferencing Rye, who just got out of work at 7am. Guess what happened next?

So 930am, i was at Starbucks 6750. No sleep. I guess i willed myself to go because i haven't seen Burn for a long time and i wanted to hear his story. And i wanted Rye to hear my story. So i told him my story. I got the reaction i imagined, and no, i did not cry. I didn't cry because i was always the one who cried in public. So i held my tears back for a change. It felt good to unload such things to good friends. Although i knew it wasn't something they could digest right away. I wasn't trying to do anything, i just wanted them to know. Almost all day, i got the remarks i was expecting. It was irritating because everywhere we went, i remembered the thing. Even the songs in the mall were reminding me of the thing. By 11am we settled at A Veneto, which was really disappointing. Well, their chicken pesto was not so satisfying. My stomach was full but my mouth was asking for more. Number one, the chicken fillet was really thin and dry. Two, the serving was surprisingly less than what we expected. Three, i kept comparing it to Napoli. Oh Napoli, I love.

We then went around Landmark to look for un-reading glasses for Rye, and then we decided to got to Cash and Carry. I haven't gone to Cash and Carry for a long time. Well, the last time i did was during Branden's first birthday. And we only went to Jollibee so we never saw the interior. It looked great, compared to the long stretch of stalls from years ago. We went to Smart, but they did not have what i needed so we headed to Sun. After my purchase, we went to Book Sale, my heaven, and bought my third Sedaris book that i may not read until December. After that, i went crazy and bought new underwear. For no reason. We headed back to Glorietta 5 after hearing Jealous for the nth time. We went to Bench again, but this time we didn't buy anything. I lost my will to purchase. And i felt i needed to do number two.

So we went home. I dropped off Rye near his place, but it took me almost an hour to get to our place because of traffic. I forgot it was fiesta in that area. Ugh.

When i got home, i immediately went to the washroom and did my thing. Was too tired to go out with my cousins. I just looked at my purchases. And calculated how much i spent that day. And then slept.

I woke up around 12am the next day because of my freaking alarm. Had we slept before meeting up, i would've been so late because i realized i set my alarm at 12am when i was awakened by it from a deep sleep. So smart of me.

I ended up watching Suits instead.

In a few hours, i was set to go to Fria's christening. Well, it was nice. I also got to see Karen's place for the first time. Loved the food, but i was too tired to stay. When we got home, i felt i wanted to go out, despite the laziness.

My cousins and i, plus two nieces, went to Greenhills. I sold the phone that woke me up and got another Samsung, an Ace, that is locked in TMobile Korea. Great. Then we ate at Little Asia in Promenade. I am loving that place everytime. I went there first with Paul, then Lester just a few weeks ago. Who's Lester? Yeah, Lester. Anyway, we ordered the chicken, Korean beef stew (yum! The Best!) and got my free herbed chicken. I was full! Again! What i love the most will be the Japanese mixed rice with shrimp! Love. It. And then we went home.

At home, i realized that i have been behind with my PDL chapters. Good thing Derrick asked me about it. We were so into the holy stuff and then i fell asleep. Sorry Derrick.

Well, the next day i went to work really early for a report i had to do. Felt sad when i left home because all of them were there. And Marcus was smiling! Well, tomorrow's another day. And tomorrow we will start our Hunger Games at work. we'll only be allowed to eat once a day. How long can i do this? It depends. I gotta fast and pray. Thinking of writing down quick prayers that i can say everyday. One, "Please let me go home safe today, Lord."

See you later!

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 04:24 Archived in Philippines Tagged the_case_of Comments (0)

for you

rain

it's funny how with just one second, i almost gave up what i believed in and held on to.

in one moment, i was ready to lose my values and live in a make-believe world with you.

i hold back the tears that try to escape from my eyes while i can, for if i let them fall, my feelings will take over me again.

i wish i could do what's wrong, i wish it was that easy. i wish i had not known what was right, i wish you were free.

if you asked me to run away today, i could've said yes. i could've disregarded what everybody says.

i didn't expect it would come to this. i can't lose my sanity with just one kiss.

i shouldn't let loose and go against my faith. so even if it hurts, i will wait.

and til the time we're on the same ground, just know, i'd always stick around.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 01:06 Archived in Philippines Tagged poem_vomit Comments (0)

my soul's travels: PDL Days 5, 6 and 7

rain

Let's continue with Days 5, 6 and 7 for today. I have not been posting much about PDL, and i don't want to be too behind with what i need to write about.

Day 5 starts by asking: How do you see your life? Oh, the horror. My answers right away were life's a party, a long-playing music video/movie, etc. The answers to this question was regarded as my life metaphor. It is a "description of how life works" and what I expect from it. The book went on to say that seeing life as one big party says one thing about me: my primary joy in life is having fun. Well that's a bummer, ain't it?

In the next few paragraphs, it was revealed that there are three life metaphors that we can look at: Life is a test; Life on Earth is a trust; and Life is a temporary assignment. Looking back at my answer, oh geez. Hahaha! I guess i really need to learn a lot more than what i know about my life. A party? Yeah, that has to stop.

The chapter was a bit short, and i think is, for my purposes, best encapsulated in the questions for Day 5:

What has happened to me recently that I now realize was a test from God? What are the greatest matters God has entrusted to me?

Hmmm... I guess one test was probably with my decision to renew my faith. It all fell into place for me. I had a friend who asked me to join him in Church, the venue was convenient for me, the people were pleasant, etc. The choice was mine, with all the roads leading to this, do i run from it, or do i move forward? I think the choice to stay was the start for me. I had people ask me why I made the change, I had people joking around the activities of this Church, but i chose to stay. There will be more tests that will come, i know; and that's why i am asking for strength everyday. I have a big test coming, and like a moth flirting with fire, I hope to end up with no burns.

What has God entrusted me with? I am unsure what it really is, I am trying to think about my life and see if there is anything of great importance that i handle. My job, I guess, is one? But this answer is not concrete for me.

Day 6 continues with the next life metaphor: Life is a temporary assignment. It says that all of us are so into our accomplishments and achievements on Earth that we forget about our life after death, what would happen after our last breath here. We forget about eternity, and whether we spend that eternity with God or not.

The question for this chapter was: How should the fact that life is just a temporary assignment change the way I am living right now?

For me, to simply put it, I have to make sure that my next decisions and actions are geared towards what my life would be after i leave Earth. I have started my Project 365 and i must admit, there are a lot of temptations to break those goals that i set. Just today, my fubu was texting and i felt that that was a sign that tests are being put into motion. I want to be successful in this. I have never seen life this way and i am hoping i can come out victorious.

Day 7 was about bringing glory to God, as He was very generous with sharing His glory to us. The question was: Where in my daily routine can i become more aware of God's glory? Every moment of my life. When i wake up, it means i'm still alive. When i go down and see my family, it means i'm not alone. When i go to work, it means i'm blesses with a nice job. Everything I do or see is an example of His glory and i'm lucky to realize that now.

I am still tempted to read ahead, but i think taking this one day at a time is really helpful. Soon, i guess. I'll look back at everything i've written when i reach my 40th day. :)

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 02:27 Archived in Philippines Tagged soul_travels Comments (0)

The trio adventures: how are we?

rain

I have not written anything about the trio for quite some time. We've all been busy doing our own stuff.

Bratty's wife gave birth months ago to a beautiful baby girl. I haven't seen her yet, but i would love to.

Madam is... Hmmm... She's on a roll. She has a new boyfriend, who's really hot. Last night, we talked about him. And well, we talked about un-Christian stuff. *blushing* Let's just say, i have my Mr. Big and she has Mr. Bigger... During our convo, i mentioned that i will be going on a retreat, and she said that sounded fun. So i quipped, "You don't need to go on a retreat, you have a sexlife!" Oh well.

Me? I'm the last single adventurer. Sigh.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 06:17 Archived in Philippines Tagged trio_adventures Comments (0)

"Oo"

pasasalamat sa Up Dharma Down

rain

"Di mo lang alam/ Naiiisip kita/ Baka sakali lang maisip mo ako/ Di mo lang alam/ Hanggang sa gabi inaasam makita kang muli"

It has been months since I saw Rich. Rich and I have been friends for a long time. We met when I was still in college, at the State University. It was during the latter part of the first sem. It was raining hard that afternoon, and most of my morning classes were already cancelled. Instead of going home right away, i decided to go to my last class for the day, NatSci 1, which was at 1:00pm. I didn't have anything planned for that day anyway, I just might hang out with Ivy for dinner along Katipunan. 

1:05pm, the professor was still MIA. He usually comes in on the dot, much to our dismay. After the tenth time looking at my watch, wishing it was already 1:15pm so i can leave, Rich came in. He went in with his head bent, as I had seen him do at least thrice since the sem started. He made the wrong decision signing up for a class in NCPAG right before our NatSci 1 class, which has held in the CS Lib. NCPAG is like, on the other side of the world, and it's really difficult to take the Ikot, because the jeeps are already full by the time they pass by that area. 

His tardiness has made him a class favorite because everytime he would come in, Mr. Reyes, our professor would say, "Thanks for coming to class on time Mr. Marquez." Exactly like that.

That day was different, for there was no professor to tell him that. When he raised his face to look at the board, he immediately smiled when he realized the prof was not there. Oh, that smile. If I were the professor, I would forgive him for being tardy in exchange of that smile. The thing with Rich is that, when he smiles, his eyes also smile with him. Smize, i think is what it's called now? Those droopy/puppy eyes. I die.

he might have caught me staring at him because he started walking towards my direction. We've been seat mates for a couple of times and I found out that he did not like Chemistry. Ehem, Chemistry major here. As soon as he sat down to my right he said, "I hope he doesn't come."

"I'll pray for that," I said. "Wow, that's very Jamie Sullivan," said he.

"You read the book?" I asked, to which he replied with "You watched the movie?"

"Yes."

That was the start of our story. Since that day, we've been very good friends. At some point, people thought we were together, but no. He dropped hints a couple of times, but I deferred. 

"Andrew?" he asked while we were reviewing at Fruit Magic in Katips.

"Yeah Rich?"

"Have you ever felt so strongly about anyone, but you find yourself pulling back because you think having a relationship with that person will ruin the friendship?"

Yes. But i didn't say that. Hanging out with him was the best part of my day, week, month, sem! At the time, I was wary because it was just a few months ago when he broke up with his high school boyfriend who attended a different school. His ex thought UP was, well, so public.

"Hmmm..." I said, "No. I always put friends in the friend zone. Alam mo naman yan di ba?" I saw a slight frown in his face.

"Even if you really like that person?"

"Yeah. Friends are friends. Who are we talking about anyway?"

"Oh, no one. I just thought about it. Well, err, i have a high school friend who asked. Anyway, it's not important. I'm hungry. You want sandwiches?" The topic came up once in a while, but i was more focused on my exams. Each time he brought it up, i would say, "Sino ba nagugustuhan mo?" He would say, "Curious lang." 

I wished then that he would be more forward about it. I didn't want hints. Maybe I was assuming too much, but I somehow felt he was talking about us. One day, I got my wish.

"Drew, if I told you I liked you, maniniwala ka ba?" 

"Rich, we're friends, how can you say that?" As i puffed on my cigarette.

"Nothing. I'm just kidding. I just wanted to see your reaction if I told you I liked you, hypothetically."

I clammed up. We were quiet for a few minutes. There were a lot of questions that i wanted to ask. He was getting shifty too. I couldn't bear asking him to repeat the question. If i said yes, will he ask if we could be together? I realized he hasn't told me about anyone he was dating. Well, me too. I haven't been going out with anybody. 

But that was the last time he asked  me that. Unfortunately for me, I kept wishing he would ask me again. Even years after we finished school, I knew my love for him was getting stronger.  

I never dated anyone. I kept on waiting for him to ask  me again. When we're out with friends, I never drink. I just let him. I did that in the hopes of him getting really drunk that he would ask me out again. But he never did. In one of our nights out, he met Vince.

They hit it off quite fast. I must admit that Vince was adorable. He was like me, only skinny. We all listened to the same songs, watched the same movies, went to the same bars, memorized the right Spice Girls songs, etc. He was perfectly like me. A few weeks later, i received a call from Rich.

"Drew? I have something to tell you."

"Yup?"

"I asked Vince if we could go steady."

"Wow.." and in my award winning performance for my whole life I said, "I am sooooo happy to hear that! Congratulations my friend! I knew you would end up together. He's perfect for you!..." and I rambled on and on. I stopped when i realized he was quiet.

"Rich, I'm happy for you, really, " I said. 

"Paano ka? Gusto ko masaya ka rin?" "Rich, we've been friends for a long time! You know i'll be happy soon. I'll find someone too..."

"But when?" "Soon Rich. My time will come." 

It never did. I have been working and working for the past years. Rich and Vince have been together for almost half a decade. Sometimes, we go out as a group. I never went out with them where I'm the third wheel. I always  come up with excuses, or I call our other friends and ask them if they would  go. If they won't, I tell him I'm sick or busy prepping for a presentation. 

"Nagtapos ang lahat sa di inaasahang pahanon/ At ngayon ako'y iyong iniwan/ Luhaan, sugatan, 'di mapakinabangan/ Sana'y nagtanong ka lang/ Kung 'di mo lang alam/ Sana'y nagtanong ka lang/ Kung 'di mo lang alam"

That  charade went on for a long time. The more their relationship  blossomed, the more I became miserable. I started writing poems for him. I kept a blog and posted all my entries there. One time, he saw them while using my laptop. 

"Dude, Drew, you're a really good writer! Is that what you learned from talking to Americans all day?"

"What do you mean? What are you doing with my laptop?"

He stood up and held my laptop into my face. "These poems! These are really good! Are you in love my friend???" He was extra eager with all the questions. 

"No, just got inspired with the movies I've been watching lately. Julia Roberts moment. You know that."

"Oh... I thought..." "No. Not in love."

"Drew, aren't you sad? It's been a long time... Since college, you haven't had a boyfriend since then..."

"I was busy remember? And I spent almost all my years in college with you..." I stopped. "...and our other friends..."

"Oh yeah... Speaking of... That might have to stop... Vince and I are moving to Cebu."

I was shocked. He never travels. He's a Manila boy all the way. What was happening???

"Vince's dad is letting him manage their business in Cebu. He wants to put what he learned in college into good use. Drew, he wants me to help him there. I'll be the store manager for one of their grocery stores in the city..."

"Wow, looks like you got it all figured out... Do you love him that much..." I trailed off on the last word.

"Drew, you know I love Vince. If there's anything else that would be greater than that love then i'd stay..." Then the bastard looked me straight in the eye. 

Oh, those eyes. I wanted to tell him don't go. Stay. Stay with me. Stay here. But I didn't. 

"If you love Vince that much, then go..." 

That was our last  conversation. They were set to leave days after that last talk. I pretended to be really busy, and didn't see them go. 

"Ako'y iyong nasaktan/ Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman/ Hindi mo lang alam/ Kay tagal na panahon/ Ako'y nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon para sa'yo"

11 months have passed since they moved. Surprisingly, he looked the same. Business was good. He was treated well by Vince's family. It was like he never left.

"How have you been? What's wrong with you? You don't log on to Facebook anymore!"

I didn't know how to answer. I missed him. I wanted to hug him. But that would be wrong. Vince was there. 

"I got really  bored with FB. And busy at work."

"I heard you're some sort of a loner now, friend, what's up?" That was Vince. Yes, we talk too.

"I don't know, after  you... guys left, I just never found the time to go out."

"Is it work? Maybe you're overworked!" said Rich.

"Or you have a boyfriend? That's it! Do you have a boyfriend now?" "Vince, no! I don't have time for that!"

Rich looked at me with questioning eyes. 

"No Rich. There's no one. I want to save myself for someone who won't leave me. Someone who understands  me. Respects my job. My time."

"And you haven't found that Drew?"

"No. I'm still waiting for the right time Rich."

"Maybe you're just waiting for someone. That's my guess. Is it alright for you to wait? Oh shoot, I have to meet my Tita at Mega. I missed you Drew. Rich and I talk about you a lot. See you soon! Babe, see you at the hotel. Love you!"

And Vince left, without waiting for my answer. My answer was "Yes."

"Lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya/ 'Di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta/ Kung ako'y nagkasala patawad na sana/ Puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal"

"Aren't you sad?" "Ako? No." 

"Drew, do you remember that day... Oh, never mind."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Okay. I remember you asking me once about falling for a friend." I was getting aggressive.

"Oh, that. Yeah."

"I lied. I was falling for someone that time. I was falling for you."

"Are you effing kidding me?"

"No. I have loved you all these years Rich. I have always wanted to be with you, I was just afraid. You were right! I didn't want to ruin the friendship. I kept it all inside. Hindi ko kasi masabi sayo. Nahihiya ako. Natatakot ako na baka hindi ako ang laman nyang puso mo."

"Pero ikaw ang laman ng puso ko!" He shouted. 

I sat there like a rock as I looked at him getting all red and teary eyed.

"I loved you Drew! I did! I kept on trying to tell you! I thought you didn't feel anything for me! I just thought you were really busy. And a perfectionist. Why didn't tou tell me then? Why are you telling me now?"

I shut up. I was crying. I didn't know what else to say.

"'Di mo lang alam/ Ako'y iyong nasaktan/ Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman/ Puro s'ya na lang/ Sana'y ako naman/ 'Di mo lang alam/ Ika'y minamasdan/ Sana'y iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam"

"Why Drew? Didn't you see how happy I am with Vince? I wanted to move away because I kept comparing him to you! My God Andrew! Anong nakain mo!"

"Wag mo ko sigawan Rich. I didn't want to tell you then. But i knew i had to tell you now!"

"For what? Para maguluhan ako? Masaya na ko with Vince, Drew... Kahit sometimes i feel like calling you up at night just to check up on you. Our friends are concerned . You've been avoiding them. Ano nangyari sayo?"

"I wanted to forget about you. Remember my poems? They're all for you!"

"You're a good liar pala Drew. I didn't think you'd make me believe you never had feelings for me."

"'Di mo lang alam/ Kahit tayo'y magkaibigan lang/ Bumabalik ang lahat sa tuwing nagkukulitan/ Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman/ Ako'y nandito lang/ Hindi mo lang alam/ Matalino ka naman"

"I fell in love with you the moment you quoted A Walk to Remember. That was  my favorite book at the time."

"I know. Salamat at hindi pumasok si prof that day."

"Drew, bakit ngayon lang."

"Again, I don't know..."

"Sabihin mo na..."

"I just wanted you to know."

"Kaya siguro the night na nakilala ko si Vince nagsabi ka na uuwi ka ng maaga no? Mahal mo pa ba ko nun?"

Oo. Hanggang ngayon. "Haha. Grabe din. Stop that!"

"Kung ikaw at ako/ Ay tunay na bigo sa laro na ito/ Ay dapat bang sumuko/ Sana hindi ka na lang pala aking nakilala/ Kung alam ko lang ako'y masasaktan ng ganito/ Sana'y nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko"

"What would have happened if we ended up together?"

"I don't know Rich. Why do you wanna know?"

"'Di mo lang alam/ Ako'y iyong nasaktan/ Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman/ Puro s'ya na lang/ Sana'y ako naman/ 'Di mo lang alam/ O, ika'y minamasdan/ Sana iyo'y mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam/ Oooooooo"

"Vince makes me happy Drew. Baka siguro nasanay lang ako na magkaibigan tayo kaya hindi na ko nakapagfocus on what i felt for you." 

"Sorry Rich. We shouldn't be talking about this." 

Ang sakit kasi. Kakasabi ko lang na mahal ko siya. Tapos sasabihin nyang Vince makes him happy.

"Malas mo/ Ikaw ang natipuhan ko/ Di mo lang alam/ Ako'y iyong nasaktan"

 "Drew, hypothetical question. If somewhere along the way, Vince and I broke up, will you be waiting for me? Oh, no, don't answer that. That's so insensitive of me. I'm sorry. Why don't we go somewhere and eat?"

"Oo."

"Huh?"

"Oo. Gutom na rin ako, kain na tayo."

"Okay... I'm glad we met and talked about this Drew. I wish there was something I could do."

Oo. Pwede mo ko pasayahin by telling me you still love me. Na pipiliin mo ko over Vince dahil mas nauna mo kong minahal sa kanya. I'm saving myself for you Rich. I know you too well. Not everything is hypothetical to you Rich. So here's my answer.

Oo. Maghihintay ako.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 03:58 Archived in Philippines Tagged up_dharma_down personal_projects Comments (0)

Project 365

sunny

I'm sleepless. I just offended another person. See previous post. Anyway. Sunday night is always a struggle because i say that i will sleep early, and then i remember that i'll be working the night shift the next day.

I've been staring at my room's ceiling for a few minutes, just after almost doing something i promised not to do anymore, when i had an idea. With all this transformation stuff that i'm going through, i thought it would be neat to make a list. Instead of the usual "things i would do" list, i will be listing down things i should not do for 365 days.

I will create a list today, mark it August 13, 2012 and next year, i should be assured that i did not do these things. As the year passes by, if i thought of anything else, then i will add it to the list, and mark it with the day of its addition.

If i fail to keep my promise, under any circumstance, i will (thinking of good punishment). However, if i end up following my list, i get to (thinking of a reward). This entry will always be a work in progress. This shall serve as my un-bucket list.

1. I will not smoke. Real or electronic. -August 13, 2012
2. I will not drink beer or vodka. Or any other liquor. Soda is acceptable only when there is no other choice, but water is more preferred. -August 13, 2012
3. I will not overspend. If by next year, i don't have savings in the 6-digit range, i will give 10% of what i have in the bank to church. -August 13, 2012
4. I will not have sex with anybody other than my partner. Will not get drunk anyway so that's no excuse. If i was promised a relationship but ended up being left after sex, then this means i was foolish again. No excuses. (Confirm church's beliefs on LGBT issues.) -May 27, 2012 (this has been a running item for the past few months)
5. I will not cheat on my partner, when i have one. A public apology is warranted if i broke this rule. -date of first day in a committed relationship
6. I will not run after men who are taken. If i did, i will apologize to the sugnifant other if my paramour. -August 13, 2012
7. I will not miss one Sunday at church except for family affairs, for they take a whole day. Or catastrophes. -August 13, 2012
8. I will not let one month pass without talking to/chatting with/texting my parents. No excuses. There's iMessage, Viber, Magic Jack and FB! -August 13, 2012
9. I will not let the year pass by without visiting at least 2 provinces except for Bulacan, Marikina or Galera. Be reminded of savings challenge. -August 13, 2012

List stops here. I will write this on a piece of paper, sign it and let people co-sign as witnesses.

Why am i doing this? They say it takes doing an act 21 times to become a habit. I have spent recent years getting wasted. I guess it's time to start fresh again. Let the challenges begin!

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 02:20 Archived in Philippines Tagged personal_projects Comments (0)

For Derrick

sunny

I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. I went too far. Sorry.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 01:12 Archived in Philippines Comments (0)

My soul's travels: PDL Days 3 and 4

sunny

For today i'll be focusing on days 3 and 4.

Day 3 was about what's driving my life. What are the things that guide/control/direct my life? Here are the examples given by the book: guilt, resentment/anger, fear, materialism and need for approval. I'm guilty of a few. I fear being unable to provide for myself. I fear being left by my family and friends. I want a lot of stuff. I want to be seen as somebody who can afford to do and have a lot of things. I want people to approve of me. I want to please everybody. These are things that i thought were okay, because they're basic human impulses. But i guess i was wrong.

The things that drive me should be my purpose, my purpose in life. It's not my purpose to appear intelligent with what i say. It's not my purpose to amass wealth that will go away anyway. It's not my purpose to be with the coolest people because cool is not always beneficial.

What i like about this book is that i don't know what my purpose is yet, but in just the first few chapters, it has made me feel excited about what they are. This book is in itself a journey for me. In today's service i almost cried. But i held back my tears. Because i didn't want to be seen as weak. I didn't want to be consoled because that meant i needed another person's strength. Holding back my tears made me realize all the more that i was wrong. And this book, this book that i never even thought was something that i'd like, is making me feel more wring about myself.

The question for day 3 was: what would my family and friends say is the driving force in my life? I don't know what they would say. But it definitely will not be pretty. I have shown them how shallow and materialistic i am.

Day 4 was a bit shorter, focusing on our lives being set for eternity. The question was: what are the things that i need to stop and start doing? Wow, this feels like a coaching session. Hmmm... I have to stop obsessing about my status. I have to stop judging people. I need to act with more thought. Being blatant is not always right. I need to make God as the center of my life. My friends might shiver hearing me say that. But i'd rather be ridiculed than die without believing in something.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 22:31 Archived in Philippines Tagged soul_travels Comments (0)

The case of the lovelife forgotten

sunny

I think, exactly two years ago, i broke up with Tom. Or he broke up with me. And i've never had a relationship since.

Old blog posts have reminded me of how i was after that break up. I was jaded, cynical with a wall around me, according to a good friend. I had sexual encounters that made more damage than satisfaction. It sounds fun kidding about it. It does. But i'm tired.

I have made several attempts to find love, or chase after guys. Mr. Big, and some other guys. Nothing happened. Maybe i should stop waiting. Maybe this move to improve my faith is a good step. Maybe the relationship i need is with God. But at the back of my mind, i still crave for that human touch.

Two years. Two years of running around, becoming a slut for some time, what have i gotten myself into?

I need to fix myself. Detox. Get cleansed of dirt that cling to my soul.

I am still hopeful, though my brain is telling me to focus my energy somewhere else.

If God decides that i'm ready, then that's awesome. I just hope He'll find someone who can fill this void and never go away. Again.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 21:15 Archived in Philippines Tagged the_case_of Comments (0)

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