A Travellerspoint blog

million (undated)

would you love me if I gave you a million?
do you think that would be enough reason
for you to come and hold me tightly
while you sing me songs so sweetly?

would you love me if I gave you a million,
whether gifts or kisses of intimation?
would it matter if I told you I love you
or I adore you, I need, I want you?

would you love me if I gave you a million,
a million poems about my obsessions
about you and everything that is you?
would it make you feel strongly as I do?

would you love me if I gave you a million,
a million tears I cry from depression?
would you pity me, at last, and console me
with sunflowers and a smile that could kill me?

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 10:37 Archived in Philippines Tagged poem_vomit Comments (0)

smoke 20060519

smoke arises slowly, amidst all that is noisy
couples tackling and flirting, the wind silently whispering

what is it that she says?

smoke arises slowly, the shimmering full moon looks empty
starless, cloudless... in her state of loneliness

what is it that she says?

smoke arises slowly, while Mariah sings sweetly
but when lights are off, and by her bed she stops

what is it that she says?

smoke arises slowly, while my head drifts heavily
I see him staring in solace, intently glaring at my face

what is it that he says?

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 10:27 Archived in Philippines Tagged poem_vomit Comments (0)

Biennium 20190224

For the life of me,
I couldn’t fathom
That this one dream,
As truth, will come

For twenty four long
Moons in rotation
I adeptly followed
In hopes of collision

For tonight I lay
Timid, I confess
For this to last
In moons of excess

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 03:13 Tagged poem_vomit Comments (0)

Palihim (05.21.2018)

Ilang taon man ang lumipas
Ilang buwan man ang magdaan
Ang hanap sa aking paggising
Mensahe mong sakin nilaan

Maulit pa kaya yung dati?
Maulit pa kaya yung tayo,
Yung tayong buong akala ko
Ay totoo rin para sayo?

Nais ko lang lumigaya ka
Nais ko lang mahalin ka nya
Yung makita kong kuntento ka
Kahit ako’y di maalala

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 03:10 Tagged poem_vomit Comments (0)

An Open Letter to the One that Got Away

Thank you for all those stolen moments that we had. Those moments that I still cherish, that I keep remembering when I know I shouldn't.

Thank you for all those songs that I can call ours, and no one can take away. All those words and melodies that remind me of you, that let me sleep even when I know you're beside somebody else.

Thank you for the messages that I woke up to, that I expected every day, that started my days, that I held on to for such a long time.

Thank you for making me feel alive, even when forbidden, even when we had to make excuses just to be with each other, even for those times when we knew it was not right.

Thank you for the glimmer of hope that I could be with someone I liked, someone I knew who was genuine, someone I wanted, someone I needed.

Thank you for making me realize I couldn't get everything I wanted given the circumstances, given the situation, given the timing.

Thank you for opening my eyes to regret, to chances, and to opportunities.

Thank you for showing me that I could live a life that's different from what I thought I needed, that I could survive without you.

Thank you for teaching me patience, so I can wait for the one I deserve, the one who will make me complete again, the one who can make me believe I'm not alone.

Thank you for making me stronger. Thank you for making me wiser.

Thank you for making me want to go out again, and believe that there's a happy ending for me that's the same as yours.

Thank you for all the memories. Thank you crossing paths with me. Thank you for making my heart beat as it did. Thank you for being the one that got away.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 15:18 Comments (0)

Notes for my Heartbroken Friend

I have been in your place. I'm pretty much sure that sadness consumes most of your days, as minutes pass without him beside you.

I've seen you with him, through the years. I know how happy yoi were. I know how loved you felt you were. I know we thought he was the perfect one for you. I know we thought he was going to propose to you.

But all those are gone now, friend. Kaput. Nada. Zero. But, that doesn't mean that you should equate that to your self-worth, because you are no zero.

The thing about relationships is that, more than the unity of two individuals, the important factor is how you yourself grow as you meld with another person. It is how you mature while dealing with a partner. It is how you learn to adapt to a partnered life.

In the end, you always get something out of relationships, whether it's for forever or short-lived. You're lucky if you found the former. What if you found the latter?

Know that you are still you. There are nights when you find yourself longing for his hug or good night message. But before him, you managed to survive on your own. You didn't need to validate your existence from a person who did not need you in his. You are still <name>.

Celebrate the solo journey. Take time to re-evaluate how your life has been. I'm sure there are stuff that you wanted to do, but couldn't while you were with him. Take a baking class. Learn how to ride a bike. Travel to a new province/country. Embrace single-blessedness. Learn to appreciate your uniqueness that attracted people to you in the first place.

Forgive. I know. You still do not understand. Why did he have to leave you? Why did he have to say those things? Why? Holding on to these questions will place you in the same spot. Let it go. Focus on asking "What's next?" rather than waiting for a response. You will never get to that pot of gold unless you walk the whole damn rainbow. He clearly does not mind living without you. Respect that decision.

Know that people love you for who you are, single or not. Friends and family are there to remind you that you are not alone in this world. There are people who would embrace you. There are people who would watch movies with you. There are peope who would listen to songs with you.

There is nothing wrong with you. The relationship ended because he found reasons for not liking you. But that doesn't make you any less of a person. The silver lining is that, he may have found you undesirable, but he also lost a person who was willing to do things for him. And that's what makes you beautiful.

So girl, find the strength to put all your emotions in a bottle and label it "The Past". Keep it in a drawer and every day, whisper all the hurt that you feel in that bottle. The more you do it, the more you'll realize that the bottle will never be full, but you're still alive at the same time.

Relafionships can go either up or down. But as a person, you could always rise up. A relationship does not define your life. It just means you found someone to match your fabulous self. So love, learn, and live.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 08:20 Archived in Philippines Tagged random_babbles Comments (0)

the case of the goodbye, Grindr

sunny

Today, I decided to uninstall Grindr, Hornet, and Growlr. And no, this is not a Lenten season post, like I'm in another epiphany. That's for another post.

"Why uninstall?", you might ask. Because clearly, nowadays, the easiest way to fuck around is by simply opening an app that tells me where the nearest tops are in my area. Right?

But, that's exactly why I have to give those apps up.

First, everything has been too easy. I get up, feel horny, connect to wifi/data, search for guys, get ignored, get responses, etc. It's the same old shit, over and over. I feel like the simplicity of finding someone to have for a night has been my pattern for so long, that even my relationships seem short-lived.

It's like I've conditioned myself that none of the boys I end up being in relationships with won't stay that long. Probably because I'm sure I could find someone else as quick?

So, no more easy. If I really want to look for something that may last longer, I should go back to the same old, same old meet-somewhere-then-date-then-develop-feelings-then-stay-together-longer.

It's probably going to be a bit difficult, and means I will have to literally go out. But, it's a start.

Second, I should stop fucking around. While I grew up thinking that every conversation with my closer friends should involve my latest conquests, I think it's time to end that. I'm Season 2 Carrie, I'll be 33 in a few weeks. I don't think I could endure what she had to in 6 long years.

The dating game didn't necessarily become any easier lately. It has become more complex and less affectionate, at least for me. I exchange a few humps in bed for what could have been an hour having dinner or something.

Sex has has become my new norm. Relationships became obsolete. Yet, the latter pierces like Veronica Lodge's quips: catches me off guard.

I've been in situations recently where I found myself asking, "Could this moment have been more memorable if I shared it with somebody?"

A drive around town to hunt for Pokemon, a super fast roller coaster ride in Hong Kong, a viewing of a live-action version of a Disney classic,the list goes on and on.

And while an orgasm may be quite fleeting, it's a memory that probably won't look good on Snapchat.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 06:09 Archived in Philippines Tagged the_case_of Comments (0)

Oo

sunny

Hanggang ngayon iniisip ko
Paano kung sinagot ko
Iyong tanong na sinabi mo
Na sa isang kanta'y hinango

Hanggang ngayon ay may marka
Sa isip ko ang iyong mukha
Nung gabing sumagot sana
Na ako'y iyong bihag na

Hanggang ngayon mayroong kirot
Bakit nga ba naging bantulot
Inunahan kasi ng takot
Kahit alam na ang sagot

It has been a long time since I last wrote in Filipino. There were just so much feels today. So here I go.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 18:29 Archived in Philippines Tagged poem_vomit8 Comments (0)

the case of bratty's birthday

Today is Bratty's 31st birthday. Just one more year and the adventurers are officially out of the calendar. We've been friends for so long that I felt it right to write about us. Here goes.

Madam Shugaytay is now married to Mr. B. A couple more weeks and it's their anniversary. Oh, how time flies. I remember Bratty and I getting teary-eyed as Madam Shugs walked down the aisle. Madam is now a Senior Manager, and i directly report to her, which can be a weird thing. But you know, it's easier to talk about stuff about work, even when I mess up.

Bratty has left the coop. Like, bye, Felicia on our asses. He has a better job somewhere else. Kinda sad, but good for him. He's taking cooking classes at CCA. Tasted his banana bread, and it's really good!

So here we are now, all in our 30's. Are we still the same folks from years ago? Not so, as we have different priorities lately, but the love is very much there.

I guess this signals the comeback of coffeesupestah. Maybe it's time for the trio to bring out the crazy once in a while.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 01:07 Tagged trioadventures Comments (0)

the case of bratty's birthday

Today is Bratty's 31st birthday. Just one more year and the adventurers are officially out of the calendar. We've been friends for so long that I felt it right to write about us. Here goes.

Madam Shugaytay is now married to Mr. B. A couple more weeks and it's their anniversary. Oh, how time flies. I remember Bratty and I getting teary-eyed as Madam Shugs walked down the aisle. Madam is now a Senior Manager, and i directly report to her, which can be a weird thing. But you know, it's easier to talk about stuff about work, even when I mess up.

Bratty has left the coop. Like, bye, Felicia on our asses. He has a better job somewhere else. Kinda sad, but good for him. He's taking cooking classes at CCA. Tasted his banana bread, and it's really good!

So here we are now, all in our 30's. Are we still the same folks from years ago? Not so, as we have different priorities lately, but the love is very much there.

I guess this signals the comeback of coffeesupestah. Maybe it's time for the trio to bring out the crazy once in a while.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 01:07 Tagged trioadventures Comments (0)

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