I will start this post by saying that I have not been a good Catholic. Lately.
When i was younger, I made lots of time for Church. I was one of those kids you would see after mass, singing "Tell the World of His Love" with a boyish grin. I would spend my Sunday mornings at a nearby church with friends and think about nothing else but enjoy singing for Him in the company of older folks. Those days would've been my purest of pure.
Who knew that years later i would end up like this.
I never go to church unless it's Christmas, or somebody died. I am not saying that i lost my faith, but i am also not glorifying the common excuse that "I have a personal relationship with God." I think i just lost enough reason to be pulled into a weekly attendance of sorts. I've been like this for the past few years now.
I say it's true that you can find Him in your moment of weakness. In the past few weeks I've been internally chaotic. There have been a lot of thoughts going through my mind: work, my surgery, single-blessedness, the future, etc. I just found myself succumbing to the stress that thinking brought upon me.
So i texted a few cherished friends...
Knowing that Madam Shugaytay and BrattyKrissy won't be available on a Sunday, i reached out to the Absolut peeps. I told them i needed a ganap to ease my mind. One of them suggested that we attend mass, and i couldn't stop myself from saying no.
We all decided to go to Greenbelt. Well, the place is too posh for soul-cleansing, but i wanted to do something else that day so keribambam. A friend told me, the church is trying to bring themselves closer to the people. I disagree. People will still flock to churches even if they're outside capitalismlandia. And yeah, the chapel was too small.
Anyway, despite my obvious dislike for the setting, i started to listen. The gospel was about leprosy. It was something that i've heard before, so i naturally wandered off somewhere in my mind, until we reached the homily.
The priest asked, "How is your soul?"
My friends and i had our own witty responses, but in a few minutes i realized how true my answer was. "It's broken."
People might argue, how can you be broken when you have a good life compared to others? That's the thing with comparison. We are always subjective and never know how the other person qualifies and/or quantifies his/her/its life. One person can be poor but likes where he is. Another person can be very rich but still envies what others have.
I'm left in the middle. (Yeah, allusion to Natalie Imbruglia's smash alb in the 90's.) I have a great job, but i wanna do something else. Or plural, other things. I am smart, but i don't have a diploma. I am young, but i feel so adult-ish. I'm pretty, but unable to find a hand to hold mine when things start crashing down.
Some would say because I'm insatiable. That's not the case. Whatever circumstances brought me here, i'm okay with those. But i'm at that point when i want to do what i want to do.
I want to go home and not worry about a report that i need to finish. I want to end my shift and go to a poetry reading where i can prolly read my work in public too. I want to know how to firedance so i won't have to go somewhere very high just to see lights. I want to play the guitar so i can sing about how i'm feeling. I want to study Spanish again, and be able to amaze myself that i am learning another language, and with it, its culture. I want to go out and have fun, instead of holing up in my crib because my body still can't keep up with sleepless afternoons. I want to spend my life with someone who understands me and makes me learn that i am not always right.
Self-imposed? Maybe. But we all have that moment of total weakness. It's funny that these things crossed my mind at a time that other people would be greatful for. Just when the adventurers agreed to live a riskier life, reality bites back and chomps on my skinny legs.
So that's my soul. Broken, but not in pieces. The priest seemed to know just what i needed.
After the mass, i invited the Absolut folks to watch a movie, The Vow. I know, cheesy. But i really wanted to feel kilig that day.
Story: a loving couple gets into an accident and girl loses memory. Guy tries hard to help her remember, but to no avail. He makes her fall in love with him again. She never remembered anything, but they lived happily ever after.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
I asked myself: if i lost my memory, who are the people who would fight to be remembered? I recalled The List. A list of men i dated/had a relationship with/liked and found one person. Yes, him. (Just nod as if you know.) But how can he, right? Am i that devoid of romance in my life that the person I thought of was someone who's out of the country?
It's a shame. I always tell myself how great I am. And i can't even get a guy to come to church with me. Someone i actually liked.
What i liked most about the movie is the fact that there are moments of stupidity that can cough up more complicated results. Had Paige put her seatbelt on, she could've saved sweet-ass Channing Tatum from a lot of stress.
I started thinking, if i didn't think or act this way, would i have ended up being with this or that guy? If i decided when i was younger that i wanted to be borta, would i be single now? If i pursued Chem and took medicine, would i have surrounded myself with handsome, intelligent McDreamys? If i had kept mouth shut, would i still be his?
Channing was very adorable in the movie, that's a given. But he did not deserve what he went through because of one puny detail.
So always put your seatbelt, condom and common sense on.