A Travellerspoint blog

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Today i cried in the shower, when your comment made me remember,
the words i wished you'd utter,
in my face when you were closer.
Damn you for breaking my heart.
Damn me for playing the part,
of a guy who can't let go,
although your answer, i already know.
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Posted by jc_pagdanganan 07:20 Archived in Philippines Tagged poem_vomit Comments (0)

Dormancy

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I was asleep in the twenty one moons that passed;
didn't expect i'd float across your path;
like the undead i wandered around,
indifferent to words, images or sound;
until you came near and i felt a flutter,
a feeling i don't recall nor remember;
all i know is despite this massive blur,
you woke me up from this deep slumber 

Dormancy
053112

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 06:30 Archived in Philippines Tagged poem_vomit Comments (0)

Platonia

051512

sunny

I just found myself kissing your picture. It's a moment i'll always remember. But it's not something that should go further. Coz you're a friend and i should know better.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 07:42 Archived in Philippines Tagged poem_vomit Comments (0)

The Absolut Adventures: How is your soul? // The Vow

sunny

...

I will start this post by saying that I have not been a good Catholic. Lately.

When i was younger, I made lots of time for Church. I was one of those kids you would see after mass, singing "Tell the World of His Love" with a boyish grin. I would spend my Sunday mornings at a nearby church with friends and think about nothing else but enjoy singing for Him in the company of older folks. Those days would've been my purest of pure.

Who knew that years later i would end up like this.

I never go to church unless it's Christmas, or somebody died. I am not saying that i lost my faith, but i am also not glorifying the common excuse that "I have a personal relationship with God." I think i just lost enough reason to be pulled into a weekly attendance of sorts. I've been like this for the past few years now.

I say it's true that you can find Him in your moment of weakness. In the past few weeks I've been internally chaotic. There have been a lot of thoughts going through my mind: work, my surgery, single-blessedness, the future, etc. I just found myself succumbing to the stress that thinking brought upon me.

So i texted a few cherished friends...

Knowing that Madam Shugaytay and BrattyKrissy won't be available on a Sunday, i reached out to the Absolut peeps. I told them i needed a ganap to ease my mind. One of them suggested that we attend mass, and i couldn't stop myself from saying no.

We all decided to go to Greenbelt. Well, the place is too posh for soul-cleansing, but i wanted to do something else that day so keribambam. A friend told me, the church is trying to bring themselves closer to the people. I disagree. People will still flock to churches even if they're outside capitalismlandia. And yeah, the chapel was too small.

Anyway, despite my obvious dislike for the setting, i started to listen. The gospel was about leprosy. It was something that i've heard before, so i naturally wandered off somewhere in my mind, until we reached the homily.

The priest asked, "How is your soul?"

My friends and i had our own witty responses, but in a few minutes i realized how true my answer was. "It's broken."

People might argue, how can you be broken when you have a good life compared to others? That's the thing with comparison. We are always subjective and never know how the other person qualifies and/or quantifies his/her/its life. One person can be poor but likes where he is. Another person can be very rich but still envies what others have.

I'm left in the middle. (Yeah, allusion to Natalie Imbruglia's smash alb in the 90's.) I have a great job, but i wanna do something else. Or plural, other things. I am smart, but i don't have a diploma. I am young, but i feel so adult-ish. I'm pretty, but unable to find a hand to hold mine when things start crashing down.

Some would say because I'm insatiable. That's not the case. Whatever circumstances brought me here, i'm okay with those. But i'm at that point when i want to do what i want to do.

I want to go home and not worry about a report that i need to finish. I want to end my shift and go to a poetry reading where i can prolly read my work in public too. I want to know how to firedance so i won't have to go somewhere very high just to see lights. I want to play the guitar so i can sing about how i'm feeling. I want to study Spanish again, and be able to amaze myself that i am learning another language, and with it, its culture. I want to go out and have fun, instead of holing up in my crib because my body still can't keep up with sleepless afternoons. I want to spend my life with someone who understands me and makes me learn that i am not always right.

Self-imposed? Maybe. But we all have that moment of total weakness. It's funny that these things crossed my mind at a time that other people would be greatful for. Just when the adventurers agreed to live a riskier life, reality bites back and chomps on my skinny legs.

So that's my soul. Broken, but not in pieces. The priest seemed to know just what i needed.

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After the mass, i invited the Absolut folks to watch a movie, The Vow. I know, cheesy. But i really wanted to feel kilig that day.

Story: a loving couple gets into an accident and girl loses memory. Guy tries hard to help her remember, but to no avail. He makes her fall in love with him again. She never remembered anything, but they lived happily ever after.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

I asked myself: if i lost my memory, who are the people who would fight to be remembered? I recalled The List. A list of men i dated/had a relationship with/liked and found one person. Yes, him. (Just nod as if you know.) But how can he, right? Am i that devoid of romance in my life that the person I thought of was someone who's out of the country?

It's a shame. I always tell myself how great I am. And i can't even get a guy to come to church with me. Someone i actually liked.

What i liked most about the movie is the fact that there are moments of stupidity that can cough up more complicated results. Had Paige put her seatbelt on, she could've saved sweet-ass Channing Tatum from a lot of stress.

I started thinking, if i didn't think or act this way, would i have ended up being with this or that guy? If i decided when i was younger that i wanted to be borta, would i be single now? If i pursued Chem and took medicine, would i have surrounded myself with handsome, intelligent McDreamys? If i had kept mouth shut, would i still be his?

Channing was very adorable in the movie, that's a given. But he did not deserve what he went through because of one puny detail.

So always put your seatbelt, condom and common sense on.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 06:49 Archived in Philippines Comments (0)

Random babbles: the love bug

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So it's Valentine's Day again.

I know, this used to be my favorite holiday next to Christmas. But i guess i've lost all interest in the celebration. Don't get me wrong. I ain't being bitter or something. I love "love." I write about it. I yearn for it. I just feel like it has lost its essence.

Nowadays, Valentine's Day has become a holiday for being too lavish. So much for capitalism. Hotel rates are expensive. Flowers' prices skyrocket. Chocolates are given around (watch your tonsils guys).

Everyone starts going crazy trying to catch up with friends who are un-single and will do anything just to have a date with someone on this day. I don't do pity fucks/dates. It's just sooooooo pathetic.

I wouldn't, for the life of me, enter a relationship just so i can tell the world i have someone to cuddle with on V Day. People would say, "I met the perfect guy on a blind/speed/parent-arranged date on Valentine's Day!" c'mon. That doesn't happen to everyone!

Love is a serious thing. You don't go after it so you can change your Facebook status. I was foolish then, so i'm tryna make things right now.

When people say "I don't have a date yet" i ignore the comment and think "And that's a problem because?" How many of us are smart, well-bred, but stupid when it comes to love? No one would admit that, i guess.

So on Valentine's Day, i'd rather be home, watch Sex and the City, and be thankful i am not spending money on a date with a hopeless case or being fucked by another lonely soul. I'm better than that. Y'all should be too. We can celebrate love any ime of the year so get your act together. It's better to be single than be in a forced relationship and break up weeks later. Oh well, you can't hurry love, yes? Keep that love bug in a jar and let it bite you when the right guy comes along.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 03:44 Archived in Philippines Tagged random_babbles Comments (0)

The trio adventures: of deathbed questions and goodbyes

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So i never really had time to catch up with BrattyKrissy and Madam Shugaytay. One time, we just decided to get together and talk about whatever's going on in our lives. During dinner, Bratty raised a scenario: if we were to be in our deathbeds, there would be questions we would ask ourselves and he asked us to determine whether these questions would matter, or would we regret what our actions were. Naturally, Madam talked about Mister Shugaytay. We told her to ask him if he would choose her. After a few SMS messages, he said no. And that started the emotional outpour. Bratty resolved not to communicate with Spike (who's really hot, btw. Me? Hmmm. How do i start?

I've been crushing on this guy for quite sometime. We talk a lot, we hang out (with friends). The thing is, he's taken. During the trio dinner, Archibald (can't think of a good name) called. I, out of character, answered the phone and left the table. So when i got back, Madam and Bratty asked me: deathbed question, would you regret not telling Archibald that you like him? I said yes. They handed my phone to me and said, "Call him." So i did. After telling him i liked him, i hung up. It felt sooooo great to be soooo straight forward. I'm usually shy about these things. The trio felt it was time to be risque about stuff and i agreed.

I met Archibald the next day over lunch and the "risque attitude" had evaporated from my body. I simply told him i wasn't pulling his leg, and that i liked him. Good Lord. I didn't even ask what he felt. I was afraid he would say he didn't like me that way. I found myself talking about other things. Until now, i don't know the answer. He never volunteered the information anyway. So i left things at that.

Days later, the trio travelled to a province. It was time to get out of the city and face the ocean. We had a short goodbye ceremony of sorts. We each took a handful of sand, said a few words to the men we were crazy about and literally let go of the sand. It was solemn. I said goodbye to two guys: one who kept me waiting and one whom i can't push myself to wait for.

Nowadays, we're all quiet. No big news about the men of our lives. It should stay that way.

I love Madam and Bratty. It took us a long way to be here, but we are now. Let the craziness continue. ;)

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 02:51 Archived in Philippines Tagged trio_adventures Comments (0)

Peg sa Tagalog

sunny

Reporma: I miss being a slut. Yung tipong may machuchupa ako sa G4 tapos pag uwi ko nagtetext na ko ng kakantot saken pag uwi ko. Kaya lang, i haven't had meaningful sex for a long time. Yung tipong mahal ko kasi yung bumabayo sa kaibuturan ng pagkabakla ko. Masarap magpakantot, makarinig ng ungol dahil sa sarap and pagpawisan dahil sa pagnanasa sa nakakubabaw saken. Pero iba pa rin yung nagpapatira ko sa taong pinasasalamatan ko dahil minahal nya ko at may alam kong ako ang dahilan ng pagtigas ng etits nya. Nakakamiss makarinig ng "i love you" pag nilabasan na sya. As opposed to hearing "ang galing mo." hay. Wala lang.

Hiram: Sinibasib mo ang utong ko. Kaliwa, kanan, halos mabaliw ako sa sarap. Ang mga kamay mo, dahan dahang naglalakbay sa balikat, braso papunta sa kamay ko. Mahigpit ang hawak mo sa kamay ko, parang may gustong sabihin, pero di magawa. Nadilaan mo na yata buong katawan ko. Pero ang magsalita, di mo magawa. Sabi mo, "Gusto ko yan, galingan mo pa." Pero ang "Gusto kita" di mo masabi. Kung nakakantot lang siguro ang puso, mas lalo kong mararamdaman ang sakit ng patuloy tuloy mong paggamit sakin na alam kong walang ibang patutunguhan. Hindi madaling magmahal ng isang taong sarado ang puso. Dahil kahit nakahubad ka na sa harap ko, balot na balot naman ng tanikala ang puso mong kinandado na ng iba.

Torpe: Hindi ko sinasabing mahalin mo ko. O bilhan mo ko ng mga mamahaling bagay. Ang nais ko lang ay malaman kung ano nilalaman ng puso't isip mo. Hindi ako kuntento sa paghawak ng kamay mo habang tinatahak natin ang mga kalyeng katulad ng ating mga damdamin. Minsan nagtatagpo, minsan sadyang di nagkakasalubong. Ang pagdampi ng iyong mga labi sa akin ay hindi sapat para mapaniwala mo ako na gusto mo ko. Ano bang hinihintay mo? Isang taong urong sulong, para sa isang taong tila napipi ng pagdadalawang isip. Minsan, mas masarap din marinig na gusto mo ako. Sabihin mo ng diretso. Dahil pag nagsawa akong hulaan ang nasa isip mo, baka sa iba ko na lang masabi ang dapat na sinabi mo.

Sunflower: Ikaw lang ang nakikita ko sa dami ng taong nakapalibot sating dalawa. Yung tipong kahit anong ingay ang gawin nila e mas malakas pa rin ang dating sakin ng binubulong ng mga mata mo. Kahit saang direksiyon ko ipaling ang sarili ko, sadyang sayo't sayo lang ako tumitingin sa huli. Isa kang natural na bato balani, at ako ang sadyang minalas dahil hindi na ko makatakas. Ang hirap, ang hirap ng palagi kang hinahanap hanap. Kalabisan na siguro ang sabihing ikaw na ang dahilan ng bawat paggising ko. Pero iyon ang totoo. May iba pa siguro na ganyan ang iniisip tungkol sayo. Nahihiya lang akong ipaghiyawan na mas malakas ang tama ko sayo. Sana bukas, ako na rin ang hanap hanapin mo... -The Sunflower (habang nakikinig ng Migraine)

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 06:09 Archived in Philippines Tagged personal_projects Comments (0)

my December weekends

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December 10 - my cousins and i were supposed to head to Ace water Spa, but Tita Bebot didn't like the idea and one of us was pregnant (not me) so we decided to do something else. As the date neared, one of us was sending hints that she might not come. Ate VJ and i ended up hanging out at TriNoma to look for clothes for the kids and eat around. I took her to BonChon, ordered 2 drumsticks each and a side of calamari. Prior to that we ate crepes so we were realllyyyy full. Our other cousin, Ate Che came at around 4pm, and we ordered a humongous bowl of noodles at Super Bowl. Just a few more hours of walking and we felt so tired. Didn't think waiting for a cab would take an hour. I was supposed to follow L&D trainers somewhere but i was too tired to go out.

December 11 - Madam Shugaytay, BrattyKrissy and i attended the company Xmas party Glitterati. It was fun. The venue was at Elements, it was like NBC tent. One of our friends Hail hosted the event. Almost everyone dressed up, i didn't feel like it so i wore shorts. Food was great, compared to last year (ugh!). The program was prefect, and when we came in they were testing everything, again compared to last year (ugh!). What i loved the most would be the Glitterati models walking down the runway, with the homos getting the most applause. I didn't win anything from the raffle. Argh. They only served beer, which i don't like anymore. I wanted to get wasted, but we didn't have enough time, as Bratty had to work at 6am. The highlight of the night? Madam Shugaytay and i cruising QC Circle and talking to call boys! Nope, we didn't take anyone home. It was soooooo funny!

December 17 - i wanted to hang out with my Cheese friends but i met only one. Shiela and I watched Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and it was awesome! I never really liked action movies, but this one takes the cake. Tom Cruise's body kinda looked old but he's still one hot action star! We then moved to Libis and chilled out at Jack's Loft. We kinda liked this set up better coz we could really talk and catch up. We ordered a pitcher of margarita and slices of lemon chicken. The margarita only got me tipsy, and the chicken was divine. :) We visited the tiangge where Shiela bought tops and stayed at Starbs before we went home.

December 24 and 25 - Ate VJ and i went to SM San Lazaro to buy ingredients for her spaghetti. I knew that Tita Bebot was cooking pansit so i asked Ate VJ if she could cook spag haha. We were both tired so i dragged her to Starbs for refreshment. I also needed a new planner so i bought the Belle de Jour 2012 planner. :) Tita Bebot and the others went to Proj 3 so i had to hang out at Ate VJ's place. I went home at around 10pm, and Atchoy and the gang came at 11:30pm. We then went to Ate Sarah's place and waited for 12:00am. Argh, all the food i ate, i can't even start to imagine. There was a lot! We slept around 2:00am

The next day, we went to Sto. Domingo for mass. I was about to leave at 1:00pm to go to Blumentritt but Ate Angie and family came right when i was about to leave. The whole gang was there, including Mommy La, whom i haven't seen since i vacationed in Olongapo years ago. I can't believe she cut herself short, she had such a long hair for years. next, I stayed for a couple of hours, chatting with my relatives there. Spent most of my time there talking to Tita Len. When i went back to Tita CY's place, Tita Cora was on the phone. We talked for a bit then we hung up, we ate carbonara and oven roasted chicken. Argh! Food again! :) Minutes later, my dad called. Glad to speak to my brothers and Tita Lilie. I went home kinda tired but happy. Didn't bring cupcakes this time, i was only able to buy polvoron for them.

The rest of Christmas was a blur. I don't think i was able to give all the kids money, that sucks. I didn't take so much pictures. Maybe on New Year's Eve. :) I spent the whole night making chika with my girl cousins and Skyping with my mom and Ate Edelle. Got work today so I had to come back to the apartment. After two days of work, i"ll go back home and wait for the New Year to come with lots of laughs, food, and memories. :)

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Posted by jc_pagdanganan 16:27 Archived in Philippines Comments (0)

Of christenings and other reunions

sunny

December 3 - attended the christening of our classmates' twin babies. More more camwhoring for me. It was nice to see my friends having children of their own. Had paparazzi shots of a cutie who's from the military, i guess. First time for me to eat kuhol, nice flavor, forgettable texture.

At night, i went to O Bar with an old friend i haven't seen for a year, June and a new friend Jolo. And i vomitted when we ate at KFC. Yeah, gross.

[will update soon, i'm sleepy]

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 11:39 Archived in Philippines Comments (0)

My thanksgiving weekend

sunny

Thanksgiving is a big holiday in the United States. It has the same popularity as Christmas here in the Philippines. Because of that, we at work were given the chance to take a long weekend; and I was able to see how thankful i should be with the people around me.

Thankful Thursday
I started my long weekend by going to my high school, in preparation for our batch's first reunion. Being there brought back a lot of memories. My tomboy memories. I went around first, and remembered how it felt like to be 16 and not worrying about any bills or deadlines at work. The first person i looked for was Ms Alberto. She was never my teacher, but she was nice to me. She is still the adviser for Journalism, so i guess you've figured out why i looked for her first. Ma'm Rodge is out of the country, that's too bad. Next place i went to was my home, the English department. I saw Mrs. Hernandez, who lost a lot of weight, and Mrs. Padilla, one of my favorites. After that was the Science department. Being part of the special science section, our class was closest to these folks. I really missed Ma'am Manalang. It's nice to meet a hero, again. It's true that you i was scared of her before, but she really is a fun person. I also saw Ma'am Fernandez, Ma'am Vinluan and Ma'am Silvano. Hmmm... How do i say this. The Ma'am Silvano i remember was very vibrant, and looked really healthy. Now, she lost a lot of weight, but she never lost that poise we thought only she carried. I really wish her well. I also went to the other departments, Values (where i saw my mom's friend and former adviser, Ma'am Quitoriano, still a firecracker), Math, Filipino, Social Studies and PE! I had a longer time talking to Ma'am Moralde, still funny and warm. Seeing all of them cemented my belief in the power of learning. I wouldn't be in my place if it weren't for all these stellar ladies.

To end my day, i went to SM San Lazaro for some retail therapy. Ooooohhhh... :)

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Thankful Friday
I started the day by going to SM San Lazaro again with my cousins and nieces. KFC, picture taking and just plain having fun. We then decided to color our hair. OUR hair. But mine didn't show anything.

In the evening, i went to Makati to meet Alex, Frank and Parc. Oh it was an awesome night! I think i was the first one drunk again. Bryan and Chester were there too. I remember eating an apple, not thinking if it was clean or not. The O Bar part was so-so. I was behaved all the time. Bryan wasn't. :)

After O Bar we all went to Something Fishy for breakfast. Oh my-lanta, it was amazing! I now see why a lot of people go there. I ate a lot. Like a lot. We had a conversation about Alex's lovelife, and well, i started to see what these guys are for. I am glad i met them. I must admit running with straight guys and girls is different. Nobody else can understand you more but your own.

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Thankful Saturday - the reunion
From being out at 10am on a Friday, i went home at 10am on a Saturday. And yes, i arrived at the reunion 2 hours before the show supposedly started. And i got false eyelashes. And make up. And i hosted along with 3 other batchmates. Check out the pictures.

The reunion was fun, nice food, old friends, overflowing alcohol. It was great! Let the pics tell you what happened.

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Thankful Sunday
Sunday was a bit tamer. I went to Greenhills with Peter and boyfriend to check out the free Christmas show. Oh, took a paparazzi shot again. :) After the long wait, we went to Bon Chon. :)

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Thankful? Yes, I am. I am surrounded by people who make feel thankful about life. Whether in the past or from the present, i wouldn't be the same without my family, teachers, classmates and friends. The only thing that's missing is a solid family, but i was given a lot more in the absence of that. :)

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 08:47 Archived in Philippines Tagged o_bar something_fishy rmhs_espana Comments (0)

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