A Travellerspoint blog

By this Author: jc_pagdanganan

An Open Letter to the One that Got Away

Thank you for all those stolen moments that we had. Those moments that I still cherish, that I keep remembering when I know I shouldn't.

Thank you for all those songs that I can call ours, and no one can take away. All those words and melodies that remind me of you, that let me sleep even when I know you're beside somebody else.

Thank you for the messages that I woke up to, that I expected every day, that started my days, that I held on to for such a long time.

Thank you for making me feel alive, even when forbidden, even when we had to make excuses just to be with each other, even for those times when we knew it was not right.

Thank you for the glimmer of hope that I could be with someone I liked, someone I knew who was genuine, someone I wanted, someone I needed.

Thank you for making me realize I couldn't get everything I wanted given the circumstances, given the situation, given the timing.

Thank you for opening my eyes to regret, to chances, and to opportunities.

Thank you for showing me that I could live a life that's different from what I thought I needed, that I could survive without you.

Thank you for teaching me patience, so I can wait for the one I deserve, the one who will make me complete again, the one who can make me believe I'm not alone.

Thank you for making me stronger. Thank you for making me wiser.

Thank you for making me want to go out again, and believe that there's a happy ending for me that's the same as yours.

Thank you for all the memories. Thank you crossing paths with me. Thank you for making my heart beat as it did. Thank you for being the one that got away.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 15:18 Comments (0)

Notes for my Heartbroken Friend

I have been in your place. I'm pretty much sure that sadness consumes most of your days, as minutes pass without him beside you.

I've seen you with him, through the years. I know how happy yoi were. I know how loved you felt you were. I know we thought he was the perfect one for you. I know we thought he was going to propose to you.

But all those are gone now, friend. Kaput. Nada. Zero. But, that doesn't mean that you should equate that to your self-worth, because you are no zero.

The thing about relationships is that, more than the unity of two individuals, the important factor is how you yourself grow as you meld with another person. It is how you mature while dealing with a partner. It is how you learn to adapt to a partnered life.

In the end, you always get something out of relationships, whether it's for forever or short-lived. You're lucky if you found the former. What if you found the latter?

Know that you are still you. There are nights when you find yourself longing for his hug or good night message. But before him, you managed to survive on your own. You didn't need to validate your existence from a person who did not need you in his. You are still <name>.

Celebrate the solo journey. Take time to re-evaluate how your life has been. I'm sure there are stuff that you wanted to do, but couldn't while you were with him. Take a baking class. Learn how to ride a bike. Travel to a new province/country. Embrace single-blessedness. Learn to appreciate your uniqueness that attracted people to you in the first place.

Forgive. I know. You still do not understand. Why did he have to leave you? Why did he have to say those things? Why? Holding on to these questions will place you in the same spot. Let it go. Focus on asking "What's next?" rather than waiting for a response. You will never get to that pot of gold unless you walk the whole damn rainbow. He clearly does not mind living without you. Respect that decision.

Know that people love you for who you are, single or not. Friends and family are there to remind you that you are not alone in this world. There are people who would embrace you. There are people who would watch movies with you. There are peope who would listen to songs with you.

There is nothing wrong with you. The relationship ended because he found reasons for not liking you. But that doesn't make you any less of a person. The silver lining is that, he may have found you undesirable, but he also lost a person who was willing to do things for him. And that's what makes you beautiful.

So girl, find the strength to put all your emotions in a bottle and label it "The Past". Keep it in a drawer and every day, whisper all the hurt that you feel in that bottle. The more you do it, the more you'll realize that the bottle will never be full, but you're still alive at the same time.

Relafionships can go either up or down. But as a person, you could always rise up. A relationship does not define your life. It just means you found someone to match your fabulous self. So love, learn, and live.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 08:20 Archived in Philippines Tagged random_babbles Comments (0)

the case of the goodbye, Grindr

sunny

Today, I decided to uninstall Grindr, Hornet, and Growlr. And no, this is not a Lenten season post, like I'm in another epiphany. That's for another post.

"Why uninstall?", you might ask. Because clearly, nowadays, the easiest way to fuck around is by simply opening an app that tells me where the nearest tops are in my area. Right?

But, that's exactly why I have to give those apps up.

First, everything has been too easy. I get up, feel horny, connect to wifi/data, search for guys, get ignored, get responses, etc. It's the same old shit, over and over. I feel like the simplicity of finding someone to have for a night has been my pattern for so long, that even my relationships seem short-lived.

It's like I've conditioned myself that none of the boys I end up being in relationships with won't stay that long. Probably because I'm sure I could find someone else as quick?

So, no more easy. If I really want to look for something that may last longer, I should go back to the same old, same old meet-somewhere-then-date-then-develop-feelings-then-stay-together-longer.

It's probably going to be a bit difficult, and means I will have to literally go out. But, it's a start.

Second, I should stop fucking around. While I grew up thinking that every conversation with my closer friends should involve my latest conquests, I think it's time to end that. I'm Season 2 Carrie, I'll be 33 in a few weeks. I don't think I could endure what she had to in 6 long years.

The dating game didn't necessarily become any easier lately. It has become more complex and less affectionate, at least for me. I exchange a few humps in bed for what could have been an hour having dinner or something.

Sex has has become my new norm. Relationships became obsolete. Yet, the latter pierces like Veronica Lodge's quips: catches me off guard.

I've been in situations recently where I found myself asking, "Could this moment have been more memorable if I shared it with somebody?"

A drive around town to hunt for Pokemon, a super fast roller coaster ride in Hong Kong, a viewing of a live-action version of a Disney classic,the list goes on and on.

And while an orgasm may be quite fleeting, it's a memory that probably won't look good on Snapchat.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 06:09 Archived in Philippines Tagged the_case_of Comments (0)

Oo

sunny

Hanggang ngayon iniisip ko
Paano kung sinagot ko
Iyong tanong na sinabi mo
Na sa isang kanta'y hinango

Hanggang ngayon ay may marka
Sa isip ko ang iyong mukha
Nung gabing sumagot sana
Na ako'y iyong bihag na

Hanggang ngayon mayroong kirot
Bakit nga ba naging bantulot
Inunahan kasi ng takot
Kahit alam na ang sagot

It has been a long time since I last wrote in Filipino. There were just so much feels today. So here I go.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 18:29 Archived in Philippines Tagged poem_vomit8 Comments (0)

the case of bratty's birthday

Today is Bratty's 31st birthday. Just one more year and the adventurers are officially out of the calendar. We've been friends for so long that I felt it right to write about us. Here goes.

Madam Shugaytay is now married to Mr. B. A couple more weeks and it's their anniversary. Oh, how time flies. I remember Bratty and I getting teary-eyed as Madam Shugs walked down the aisle. Madam is now a Senior Manager, and i directly report to her, which can be a weird thing. But you know, it's easier to talk about stuff about work, even when I mess up.

Bratty has left the coop. Like, bye, Felicia on our asses. He has a better job somewhere else. Kinda sad, but good for him. He's taking cooking classes at CCA. Tasted his banana bread, and it's really good!

So here we are now, all in our 30's. Are we still the same folks from years ago? Not so, as we have different priorities lately, but the love is very much there.

I guess this signals the comeback of coffeesupestah. Maybe it's time for the trio to bring out the crazy once in a while.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 01:07 Tagged trioadventures Comments (0)

the case of bratty's birthday

Today is Bratty's 31st birthday. Just one more year and the adventurers are officially out of the calendar. We've been friends for so long that I felt it right to write about us. Here goes.

Madam Shugaytay is now married to Mr. B. A couple more weeks and it's their anniversary. Oh, how time flies. I remember Bratty and I getting teary-eyed as Madam Shugs walked down the aisle. Madam is now a Senior Manager, and i directly report to her, which can be a weird thing. But you know, it's easier to talk about stuff about work, even when I mess up.

Bratty has left the coop. Like, bye, Felicia on our asses. He has a better job somewhere else. Kinda sad, but good for him. He's taking cooking classes at CCA. Tasted his banana bread, and it's really good!

So here we are now, all in our 30's. Are we still the same folks from years ago? Not so, as we have different priorities lately, but the love is very much there.

I guess this signals the comeback of coffeesupestah. Maybe it's time for the trio to bring out the crazy once in a while.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 01:07 Tagged trioadventures Comments (0)

the case of the goodbye

bye, coffeesupestah

sunny

here it goes.

i have been going through some changes, changes that are very important to my life.

i can't successfully go throught these changes if i still cling to an old identity.

coffeesupestah was born at the time that i was blossoming into what most of you would have known for the past decade. i lived for parties, fun, friendship and boys. a lot of that has to go away.

Carrie, my heroine most of my life was right, "Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be."

so coffeesupestah has to rest. this blog has to rest. coffeesupestah had a very colorful life, but all that has to end.

don't worry, i will still be writing, but under a new username and a new blog title. it's the start of a new me. there will be new stories, new/recurring characters, new challenges, new triumphs. i can't keep looking back at the past if i want to start fresh.

so i bid farewell to coffeesupestah.

and say hello to The Chronicles of the Christian Traveller.

it's a continuation of the journey that i started, both in body, to appreciate God's works in all the beautiful places i will go to; and in spirit, to proceed with my walk with God. hope you enjoy the new blog!

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 00:02 Archived in Philippines Tagged soul_travels Comments (0)

The VG adventures/mahjongera sessions: the crying Sunday

rain

Okay, we have a new adventure. Since Derrick and I have been spending a lot of time with the Victory Group, most Sunday posts may include new characters.

Sunday was the second and last day of Glocal, which was about missions. And I won’t write about them. It was fun because Bry and Jason were there. The last time I saw them was during their wedding. After service we ate at BonChon and I tried chapchae, which was like bihon noodles with sesame seeds and super tinipid na egg strips and some meat. It was good. I might try it once in a while.

After lunch, I dropped by Fully Booked to buy Perks of being a Wallflower. I might finish reading by 2013. My reading list is getting longer.

There were just a few people in the small group this time, fewer than the last. I liked the last question that Claude (I know right, sometimes I look when people call him) posed towards the end. What was the one thing that we really had to surrender to God?

Of course I talked about my struggles with my preference. I think it was the first time that they heard me talk about it openly, as I only talk to Derrick and BJ. It was nice because almost everyone had something to say about it, and they were all encouraging. And yes, I cried in public. Again.
Anyway, after that, I had to go home, but I went straight to SM San Lazaro to buy roasted chicken and cake for the kids at home. Well, I slept, so I didn’t eat with them.

Around 10pm, the mahjongeras had to meet, without Burn, who had work. I met Rye in Nagtahan, where my ATM card was captured (grrr). We went to Central in Manda. Yes, I drank a bit and smoked. It will take me a long time before I see the group again. It was like the perfect goodbye to my previous life that I wanted. One noteworthy moment aside from me singing in the videoke room of the next place we went to, was when Rye told me he wanted to join the Church. I was soooo glad to hear that! Just that afternoon, one of the things I shared with the small group was my fear that when I totally surrendered everything to God, I might lose some of my friends. But God clearly is working on me and my friends. I hope that this continues more, hopefully with my family too.

So now, while I’m writing, I’m actually in some form of sacrifice and praying for 5 days for a lot of people, some of them my friends. This worked for others; I hope it will work for me.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 06:51 Archived in Philippines Tagged vg_adventures Comments (0)

the case of the spiritual gifts training

rain

I signed up for the spiritual gifts training at church. This was my first time in a long time to attend training as a participant, so I was excited; and it was also the first church activity that I’m attending aside from the regular Sunday service.

I had to stay at the office for a few hours because if I went home, I wouldn’t wake up on time. I spent that time researching about spiritual gifts but all the stuff I read didn’t make sense to me. Maybe because I was sleepy. So I went to Regis.

When I got there, there were already a handful of people. I signed up at the reception area and found that there were also attendees from different sites. After a few minutes, I started to see some familiar faces.

We didn’t start until a few minutes after 9am, so in some parts I felt the pastors were already rushing. But I still was able to follow what they were discussing and what were in the handouts.

Every one of us actually has our own set of spiritual gifts, and it is coming from the Holy Spirit. These gifts help us know what ministry of the church we can best serve. There may also be other uses for these gifts but this was what I understood the most.

Another important thing to remember about these gifts is that God, in the person of the Holy Spirit, is actively working on these gifts with us. There are 28 spiritual gifts and our competency level on each will vary. There was a test that we had to take, and my results as the top three were: 1.Faith, 2. Writing and Teaching (a tie). I think that’s kinda accurate.

That was the more objective side of the training that I could remember at this time. The other things that I will discuss next are very Paulo Coelho-esque in nature.

There was a part in the training that I did not expect. Okay, I was half-expecting for some application but not this kind.

There was a part of the discussion about discerning God’s voice when we try to see/hear/feel what He wants to tell us during quiet time, prayer, etc. There was a difference between the voice inside my head coming from me, and the voice by the Holy Spirit.

The first activity was about listening to what God wanted to tell me. It was hard. Time was not enough for me to know what I should write on the paper given to us. After finally clearing my head and asking, “What do you want to tell me?” I finally heard it. It was a voice different from mine, and I had an eerie feeling in my head like I was floating. Then I wrote down what I heard.

The next activity was about knowing if we were able to see, hear or feel for another person. It was weird, well, not in a bad way. I remember the chapter in “By the River Piedra I Sat down and Wept” where the heroine was surrounded by believers in an indistinct language. That happened. Only those present could attest to it. I didn’t understand it; I wasn’t able to speak it. (The gift of tongues was in my bottom 5) We had to look for a partner and ask God what He wanted us to see for that person. The results were unbelievable. I ended up crying, because I couldn’t believe it was really happening. All the while I thought he wouldn’t say anything to me, you know. I wasn’t the purest in that group; I just had to believe that He would show me I could.

Prophetic praying was next. Wow, right? My friends would’ve raised their eyebrows if they heard this. This has got to be the most amazing thing that day. All we needed to do was to get a partner, pray for a bit and ask Him what we should be praying for that person. This time I kinda realized I was visual, what with being a visual learner, I guess that had some connection. I had a different partner for this and he prayed for my travels, which has kept me on my toes recently. I haven’t finalized any of my next trips yet, so I’m really thankful for that prayer. It’s awesome what pictures being shown in my head would mean to another person.

After the training, some church peeps ate at Yellow Cab. Yeah, Charlie Chan for me and one member bought food from Serenitea. Yummy tofu!

When I got home, I just slept. I didn’t have enough energy to do anything else.

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 06:47 Archived in Philippines Tagged the_case_of soul_travels Comments (0)

one-liners

rain

"Hey. What's up?"

"Nothing. Just thought about you. How have you been?"

"I'm okay. We're okay."

"Good."

"Yeah."

"What are you doing?"

"Eating. Ikaw, how are you?"

"Feeling good... I'm okay."

"Cool."

"We should, i don't know, hang out?"

"Yeah, we should all go. Been a long time."

"I know! Long time... We should..."

"Yeah..."

"Okay."

":)"

"Lol."

"Why?"

"Nothing."

"Okay."

"Hey."

"Yup?"

"Wala lang."

"Okay."

"Good night na."

"Yeah, good night."

"Miss you."

"Aww. Miss you too."

"I'll see you soon."

"Yup!"

"But we never will." - unsent

Posted by jc_pagdanganan 05:37 Archived in Philippines Tagged personal_projects Comments (0)

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