it's time once again for a confessional. all my life i disliked confessing. i remember doing it high school or grade school, because it was a requirement for us to graduate. i admired the efforts of the school, but i didn't feel comfortable with the idea of confession being mandated. that was me then. i thought that telling someone about my sins was the same thing as admitting i was broken, and i didn't like that. so for the past few years, i never confessed. i never said i was wrong.
whether at work or at home, even in relationships, i hated being told i was not right. my way was always the right way. this must be the worst thing about me. God must have been shaking his head for every denial and fight to prove that i was right.
as i grew up, i started taking on different vices. smoking, alcohol, sex. the only thing that i wasn't addicted to was drugs, and thank God i wasn't. i would've been a mess, and my parents did not deserve that.
smoking was like breathing for me. i smoked when i woke up, after i ate, while i put my clothes on, when i arrived at the office, during breaks, when i was stressed, when i got home, while writing, etc. smoking has helped me focus when i wanted to write poems. most of what i write included smoking as an activity. i felt relief everytime i puffed on that little white stick of death. i've quit a lot of times. just two weeks ago though, i promised God it will be the last time i would quit smoking, for i didn't want to go back. i appreciate some of my friends who back me up. sometimes i give in to peer pressure easily, so having supportive friends is a good thing.
drinking? oh man. i may drink occasionally at times, but when i'm really down, i drink a lot. i once regarded vodka as my best friend, and took on Kathy Handler, my drinking alter ego, in reference to the great Chelsea Handler. until now, i have a bottle of vodka at home, which is like a test i have to pass everyday. i was wild when i was drunk. recently, realizations of being lonely made me turn to alcohol. i drank every weekend. i met some new friends, that was fun. but when things got a little bit cray, i had to limit my relations with certain people. that's the thing with alcohol, you never know what you're going to do when you let it go to your head. i was told i shouted "i love pen*ses!" at a bar. yeah. libations at greenhills was like heaven for me. it was a place where i met new friends and cemented my reputation as a big drunkard. i didn't care how much i spent just so i can drink. we even rented a condo unit just to party. i loved alcohol. i revered alcohol. maybe because i felt sooooo free in the fake reality it offered. i was able to do things that i shouldn't, but i am glad i never went too far. some people can't handle it well, resorting to activities without thinking. i almost became a pure hedonist, living for pleasure. not just for alcohol, but with the things i did with it. i never want to use alcohol agaon to be flirty with anyone. i don't want to be thought of as someone who used alcohol to take advantage of other people in their drunken stupor. a real friend will not take advantage of you in a state of stupidity.
oh, being stupid, right? sex has gotten me to do crazy things. i spent money on internet connection, computer rentals, time and effort just to get laid. gone are the days of having my flavors of the month. if there's one thing i'm proud of so far, it's that i haven't gotten jiggy with anyone for almost a year. i want my next one to be special because i deserved it. the one thing that may hold me back is what our church may say about, well, sex.
if there's one thing that i feel will be a problem with the renewal of my faith, it will be my homosexuality. this has become my lifestyle. if people were to give words that would describe me, i guess the top spot would be: gay. i have been this way for years. i have come to accept what i liked in life. i honestly do not see myself being with a woman. nor having children. this must be the ultimate test. i do not know how the future might pan out for me, but whatever He decides i do, i should accept with all my heart.
so what is this confessional about? i want to identify what my faults are. i have found friends who serve as my outlet everytime i need to say my sins out loud. and these conversations did not need alcohol. i also remembered this while training a course yesterday. i asked the participants to think of their fatal flaws, and i had my own answers. my flaws are fatal. i could die. lung cancer. liver disease. AIDS. it's not easy to have vices. it feels great to be crazy. but i have to use my head.
in a few weeks, i will embark on a solo journey to find and know God better. i think i know myself enough. those who say they don't know themselves are all in a state of denial. how can you not know yourself? do you constantly need others to tell you who are? maybe it's because you don't want to acknowledge yourself. going on this retreat looked fun being with someone, but i haven't found that one person with whom i can share this experience. so i guess going alone is the best option. i am excited. i want to go back to Manila feeling a lot better about myself, my faith, my life.
surely, i have dealt with a lot of evils, and there are more to come. all i need is to strengthen myself, and not go back to the way i was. a sinful life is fun, until it comes back to you and hits you where it hurts the most.