Gay-ness does not translate to happiness
i had a conversation with a co-worker yesterday about having gay children, which kind of went to the "nature vs nurture" route, and i found myself replying with "it's a difficult situation." i was a bit vague with my answer because there are two ways to see it: difficult for the parents or difficult for the child.
i have been "out" for a couple of years, to a certain number of friends and acquaintances. heck, i can't even tell my dad that i am, and i wonder if he knows, or accepts me for that matter. i think that it took my mom quite a period of time to digest the long email i sent her years ago, because it took her three months to finally get to talk about the information i volunteered. i don't have a gauge on how hard it was for her to take. i could imagine her dreams of me being married and having children getting flushed down the drain. i felt like shit that time. i constantly checked my email to see if there was an answer to my unannounced question: would she take me for what i am?
knowing my mom, i kinda knew what the answer was. i just needed confirmation of what she felt about the topic. i guess i am lucky that i have a mother with a very open mind. this may be true: accepting that your kid is gay will take a lot of strength and willpower; but has anyone ever thought how it is for the child?
i'm always asked about this perpetual question: when did you ever know that you were gay? at this point, i wouldn't even remember the actual time i knew i was gay. but i know that in college, that was when i accepted what i was. when you are a child and people are teasing you because of the way that you talk and you behave, IT'S NOT EASY. processing all the taunting and negative comments is considered a burden for a gay child. i commend all those who realized what they are at a very early age. that means that for the long run, whatever they hear is quite normal for them already. it's more difficult for those who took a very long time before openly saying "yes, i am gay." i had to consider a lot of things: what would my parents say, what my family would say, who will take care of me when i grow old, etc. i saw myself as an abnormal person. like i didn't deserve to be happy. or i'm ashamed of what i've become.
the culture that we have here in the philippines still reverts back to the "oh-so-macho" era. and that's what i tried to follow. i had a moustache like everyone else had. i acted like a guy and hung out with mostly guy friends. but it eventually became tiring. to prove that you're a man in a daily basis is difficult.
the time that i came out was kind of good for me. being in UP was perfect, too. people say being liberal has a negative connotation. i say nay. the environment at school helped me little by little to accept myself and who i was going to become. i had that privilege, some others didn't. my friends were quick to respond about what i admitted. even my high school guy friends didn't say much. all the paranoia about how people regarded me was gone. although at times, even in the present, acquaintances still throw unconscious, insensitive comments and jokes about my sexuality. i take them lightly.
they don't know what i went through. they say they understand, but they could only sympathize. even dating in my world is very difficult. we don't adhere to the men are from mars thingy. gay people are more difficult to please nowadays. if you don't have a six pack, consider yourself as a bottom feeder, no pun intended.
i guess this is sort of my coming out piece. i must say thanks to Joan for making me think about this topic. parents are quick to think: would i be able to accept my gay child? consider the child and the hell he/ she goes through everyday. in a world where gays are viewed as handicapped citizens, the best thing that parents could do is to support the child. do not batter yourself if it was your fault or whatever. people are still debating about the "nature vs nurture" shit that's going on. unless you have a definitive answer for that, then don't make life more complicated as it is. they say life isn't easy. ask any gay man or woman, they might just give you a snap or two.
Random babbles: the sex talk
last year was a lull. i only had sex with one guy and i slept with him twice. okay, okay. this seems shallow. but i thought that i was losing my groove. i used to have sex at least once a month. that was way back in 2006. what the hell was happening to me?
and then i tried to dig deep. no pardon for the pun.
i realized that my current job has something to do with it. you see, i'm a trainer. i don't only train new hires but i also train agents and non agents. when i saw how my colleagues were always at their best behavior, i knew i had to follow suit. i couldn't risk seeing someone i had rough sex with in my class. the horror that must have been. gossip is something that i don't feel comfortable with. especially when it's about me. (i heard people raised eyebrows when i applied as a trainer, but that's a different story.)
i even turned down some guys i have been communicating with thinking that someday they'll be my trainees. before, after talking to guys online, i usually meet them in a week or so, and then have them bang me. like crazy. now, i've began assuring myself that the person i'm flirting with is or will not be in nco. most of the guys i text end up thinking i'm boring and a bad lay. wtf? coz after all the teasing, i usually cancel at the last minute. teehee.
one more thing is location. i promised myself that i would only bring home a guy once we are committed to each other. and i've held my end of the bargain. i guess it's coincidental that a lot of guys don't have a place for effing. great.
hmm... what a sad story right? how can i fulfill my hierarchy of needs? my f*ck buddies are not around. i'm gaining more weight (read: unattractive). the happiest place in the world (my room) isn't anymore. my credibility is at stake. if there's any left.
i can honestly say that i need sex to feel good. i need to feel wanted. or to be lusted after. not that i'm a slut. (prudes stay out of this.) we all need something to make ourselves feel better. something to justify the smiles on our faces. relationships don't do it for me. gratifying sex does. people may judge me after this. i'm just saying what they can't.
so eff off. read someone else's notes. i miss five words i haven't heard for a while. "wham bam, thank you ma'am." i should hear that soon. referring to me.
Random babbles: outside looking in
Outside Looking In
So I met up with an old friend this afternoon for early dinner. As a backgrounder, we used to have feelings for each other; but we never got around to being in a relationship. I can’t say that he’s the one that got away, because up to now we’re still good friends. He’s in a relationship with a guy who made him do things he used to view as unconventional, and that makes me happy for him.
After just a few minutes of talking, he dropped a bomb on me. “I think you’ve changed. You don’t have the same passion for life you used to have. You compartmentalize your life.” Okay, so I’m still riddled by the last sentence, but while we continued chatting, I found myself floating away from our conversation. I tried to recall how I was when he first met me. So carefree, so young, so fresh. I know, the old me sounds like a napkin commercial. But I realized that what he said was true.
Now, I’m just all about work. When I go home, I only spend ample time bonding with my family. With the fitness craze we have at the office, my officemates and I even met one weekend to play badminton, which means less time to spend for my other friends. And my “through the years” friends bring out the old me.
My Sex and the City days trying to be Carrie are done. I feel like a Miranda Hobbes who just met Steve. Content with one night stands, trying to surround myself with a wall. My friend, let’s call him Elmo, said this like trying to hit the bull’s eye only two feet away: “You like being good at your job, that you build a wall around you to save yourself from being vulnerable to love.” I almost cried, I just kept looking away from him. “I just don’t want you to become jaded.” Again, I looked away.
Am I on my way to being jaded and cynical? These are two adjectives I tried to shy away from. Another good friend, Olive, can attest how much I celebrated love. February was a favorite month of mine because I could see around partners doing cheesy things for each other. I have just compiled a collection of my poems about, guess what, love.
Am I just writing for the sake of writing? Will I be able to carry out the emotions I express through my poetry? When will all be real?
Just a couple of months ago I resolved to push myself into the dating world again. But I found myself holding back, always saying “I’m too busy.” Even sex was out of the question. In one post here, I mentioned how much I wanted to be lusted after, no luck there when I’m holed up in my room when I should be out meeting guys. My gay bro Ali has been dragging me to bars, but I just don’t have the courage to go around flirt, and the energy to do so.
They say the truth hurts; I guess that’s why I’m hurting. I admit that I’m the fat guy that boys run away from. What’s worse is that I don’t exert effort in running after them.
I need a man. Someone who will wake me up from hibernation. A man who will say: “It’s okay” when I say I’ll be working the whole day, won’t be texting as much but will still have him on my mind. But as Elmo put it, albeit right to my face: “Learn to compromise.” Work hard but don’t let that take time away from other important things. I’m dating someone right now, but I want to know that person fully well before I can say I “love” him.
Valentine’s Day is coming. It’s corny to think that I came out with this when my former favorite holiday is near. But I think that conversation with Elmo couldn’t have come in a better time.
Priorities set the way I live in different times. I can honestly say a relationship is not on top of my list, but I’ll try to put it up there. Hopefully I can meet someone who can be the match that lights up the fireworks inside me. By then, maybe I don’t have to be on he outside looking in.